Want you, want me
by NoexcusesNoapologiesNoregrets
Summary: "I was eight years old the first time I knew I wanted to kiss him, my best friend, my soul brother, my saviour, my hero, Arthur Pendragon." Merlin and Arthur have been best friends practically since birth, and they know each other better than anyone else ever could. One night changes everything. But love is a complicated and powerful thing. And for these two men, all bets are off
1. The first time

I do not own Merlin...although it would be great if I did ;)

Sorry for some appearance changes but please roll with it as this is a major AU xxx

Please read and enjoy, I hope you like it!

Full blurb for you:

"I was eight years old the first time I knew I wanted to kiss him, my best friend, my soul brother, my saviour, my hero, Arthur Pendragon."

Merlin Emrys and Arthur Pendragon have been best friends practically since birth, and they know each other better than anyone else ever could.

But there's one secret Merlin has never admitted to Arthur, or even himself, and as they get older that secret is driving a wedge between them.

Then one night changes everything and the best friend's start to lose their grip on what they both fought so hard to deny.

When Merlin decides to let go of the lies and finally be himself, Arthur makes a decision that almost breaks them and smashes both their hearts to pieces.

Seven years later, Merlin has an amazing boyfriend, Lance, a career he loves, and is genuinely happy with his life…

…Until Arthur comes crashing back into it at full speed, and forces him question everything he thinks he wants.

Last time Merlin admitted to being in love, he was almost destroyed by Arthur. Can he really open himself up again? Even for the man he's been in love since he was eight years old?

All Merlin knows for sure is, this time around, all bets are off.

**Prologue**

I was eight years old the first time I knew I wanted to kiss him, my best friend, my soul brother, my saviour, my hero, Arthur Pendragon.

We'd been friends practically since birth. Both his parents and mine were teenagers when they had us. All four of them best friends. Our mother's got pregnant at the same time, so me and Arthur grew up together.

I'd always admired Arthur, even though he was only two months older than me. He was the strong one, the leader who knew exactly what to do. For a long time that was all it was. Just admiration in a brotherly way. I can't say I know exactly when that changed into something completely different.

But I do remember the first time I ever wanted to press my lips against his. I was only eight so obviously the thought was pretty simplistic. I didn't understand it, but to me, it felt natural to want to brush my lips with his, just to see….to see if it would feel like I hoped it would. Even a child's mind has the ability to hope for a sense of rightness.

We were out on the beach. Our beach. In the small English town we lived in the beach was the best part of our lives, and we spent so much time there I swear I could walk across it blindfolded and still know exactly what part I was on.

Our parents were sitting by the sand dunes drinking and talking like grown ups always seem to be doing when you're a child. Arthur and I were out of view by the caves and rock pools. Arthur had wanted to search for some crabs. We were pretending to be hunting them like wolves hunt rabbits.

Arthur always made the games fun and real, like what we imagined was actually happening. Arthur had just jumped over a rock, he was taller than me even then and his legs were longer. So when I tried to jump the same distance I slipped and fell because I couldn't quite make it.

Like most eight year olds would I started bawling my eyes out, loudly, like I was being attacked by a flock of demented pigeons or something. The over dramatics of an eight year olds mind are like no other. Arthur wouldn't have cried though, he never did, especially about little things like slipping off a rock onto your arse.

Arthur reacted calmly to every situation and thought things through. His mind had always been one of complexity, even back then. Arthur had what my dad referred to as a genius's mind, it just worked different to most everyone else's.

Although Arthur was never one for logic either, he was an artistic person and he loved creating something out of nothing. It had fascinated him. The strange thing is that he was fascinated with creating things whilst I was fascinated with him. Obsessed really, but when you're a child that's not creepy. It's like having an imaginary friend. When you're a child it's sweet, but then you get older and it becomes mental illness. I can't help but wonder at what point does the human race draw that particular line. From cute to crazy in the space of a few years.

Arthur dropped down next to me and kneeled so there was less than a foot between us. I could feel the heat of his breath on my face and it tingled like sea breeze. I stopped crying abruptly in a way only children can, when Arthur touched my face, his nine year old fingers on my cheek. His skin felt warm and reassuring, like he could make the pain go away with just a touch, like magic.

Keep in mind, I was eight, I still believed in magic and that dreams could come true. Hell, I even still believed that my parents were happily married. I look back on it now and realise they never had been, but that's because I was young and I wanted to believe. When you're a child sometimes you can convince yourself of something so strongly that no amount of evidence to the contrary can change what you believe to be true.

Arthur was kneeling between my skinny sun burnt legs, his face still so close to mine as his fingers moved over my cheek slowly in a pattern that I suppose was meant to be calming. And it probably would have been if I hadn't felt a swift surge of warmth in my stomach. Even then I knew that feeling was because of Arthur, no one else could make me feel so much.

I looked over his face, the face of the boy I trusted more than my own father. Arthur didn't lie. Not back then. My silver eyes met his cobalt blue ones. Arthur's eyes always reminded me of blue fire, raging against the world, taking everything in and giving nothing away. Only I could ever read those eyes.

But in that moment my gaze drifted to my best friends lips, and I could swear that for just a moment Arthur's eyes flickered to my lips too. I wanted to kiss him, not the way my parents did, or the way his parents did, in that mechanical way that made it look painful. No, I wanted to kiss Arthur the way our dad's did. I'd seen them a couple of times, at parties or late at night after me and Arthur were meant to be in bed and our mum's had gone out. I liked how they kissed, as if it meant something, like they wanted it more than anything else in this world.

I wanted to kiss Arthur like that. It wasn't even a complete thought, more like an instinct, I'd always been rather impulsive. I leaned forward, he must have known what I was about to do and he didn't move, not even a little. Arthur had this weird talent of staying completely still in a position like a picture caught on camera forever.

I blinked once before pushing my mouth against his ever so softly. Arthur still didn't move and neither did I. We simply stayed there, our lips locked together. My eyes closed but I think his stayed open through it all, Arthur never liked to miss a detail of anything.

The moment was both calm as the waves and heated like the mid afternoon sun, blazing through us both. But then Arthur pulled back almost violently and pushed me in the chest, the shove was hard enough that I ended up on my back.

For a moment nothing registered, and then I sat up to see Arthur standing over me. His face had so many emotions strewn across it that I didn't know what he actually felt. Arthur turned round and crossed his arms, I saw him shiver from behind and I thought it strange because it wasn't cold out at all. I almost felt his jaw lock and his shoulders square as he turned back to me. The flickering of intense emotion's gone now and in their place a firm and wide grin. He held out his hand as if to help me up, and still dazed from the unfamiliar feelings crashing around inside of me I let him take my hand without a word.

He hauled me up and still said nothing. He let my hand drop as soon as I was standing up right and it was a full two minutes at least before Arthur said,

"The crabs will be hunting US soon if we're not careful. Let's go back to base and get more weapons just in case", his voice betrayed nothing, although I'm not sure what I'd been looking for in his voice anyway.

After that things went back to normal and I didn't feel the need to say anything about it. Why would I? I was eight years old and I didn't even understand what had happened really.

Eventually I think I convinced myself that it wasn't real and that I'd imagined it. Safer that way. But I could never forget the feeling of his lips on mine, because I'd been right, it felt exactly the way I'd wanted it to. Like it meant something, even if that something was just for me.

Chapter one

Merlin's P.O.V

I carry a stack of records and CD's out from the back of the shop and attempt to put them down slowly onto the counter. But obviously nothing could go that smoothly for me and they slip from my grasp at the last second. They end up sliding all over the glass counter, some even falling to the floor.

I shake my head and bend down quickly to pick them up. I'm a disaster zone when it comes to carrying things, my clumsy nature loves it when I'm just about to put something down. No matter how gently I do it my body is against me at every turn.

Once I have them all off the floor and stacked up on the counter, I sit in my chair and lean back with one of my books. Today the shop has been so empty I keep expecting one of those swirling dust things from the old cartoons to roll by, mocking my lack of human contact. I work in 'Rock 'em records' most weekends and some other afternoon's during the week. At the age of 17 it's not a bad job to have, especially in a place like Colbie.

Colbie is a very tiny English town next to the sea. Complete with cobble roads and an old timey park. Most people my age hate it here, but I like my town. Not that I don't want to leave and see the world as well. I just don't feel trapped here, it's more like I'm waiting for the right moment to say goodbye, although I can't be exactly sure what I'm waiting for.

All I know is that when I do leave I'm going with my best friend. Arthur Pendragon and me have been planning our 'escape', as he calls it, for years. I've been thinking a lot about University. My last year of college ended last week, so all I have is the summer to decide. I've been accepted into a couple Uni's, all I need now are my A level results. I'll be turning 18 in a couple of weeks as well.

Arthur is already 18 and he knows exactly where he wants to go. He's been accepted into a fancy art program in Bristol and I'm really happy for him. Technically I've gotten into Bristol Uni, just like we planned. But for the first time I'm not sure if that's where I want to go. I got into Trinity too, it's a Uni in Dublin. I've always wanted to go to Ireland where my dad's family are from, and living in a whole new country would be brilliant.

The only thing that makes Bristol better than Trinity, is Arthur. I could never leave him and ruin our plans. We're going to get a flat together and live our lives our own way. The thought of going out into the world on my own without him makes my stomach churn painfully. Arthur has always been my one constant, even when everything else in my life went mental, he was always there. I can't lose that. I'm not strong enough.

Besides all that, I'd miss him too much. We do pretty much everything together. Every good memory I have involves Arthur. Arthur makes me happy and he's the reason my life is exciting. I'm never bored when I'm with Arthur. I haven't mentioned to him the idea of me going to Ireland, I'm afraid of what he'd say. Either he would get angry and say I was ruining our plans, or more likely Arthur would retreat into himself and tell me to go if I want to.

I couldn't stand that, Arthur treating me like I want to leave him. I know how hard that would be for him after what his mum did. Our parents had been friends since forever, that's why we grew up together. Neither of our parents had very good relationships. Although they were bad in different ways.

Arthur's mum ran off after years of abuse when Arthur was 14. He once joked that she left because he was finally starting to get too big for her to beat up. Ygraine Pendragon hit Arthur around a lot when we were younger, she even slapped me once and I'll never forget the sting from her hand on my cheek. Nothing prepares you for that moment, the moment you realise adults aren't better people just because they're older. Arthur saw her hit me, and that was the only time he ever hit her back. We were eleven then.

Arthur's dad, Uther, would get into fights with Ygraine all the time about it. Each time she would agree to never do it again and each time her promises meant shit. My parents knew about it all and my dad let Arthur stay over whenever he wanted to. But then when my parents got divorced because my dad admitted he was gay, my mum started to hit the bottle. She hit it hard and often. Still does.

After Arthur's mum left I started staying over his a lot more because my parents fighting got really bad. I'm pretty sure the two things are connected, but I don't know what that connection is. Maybe I don't want to know.

For both of us it was like we were trying to escape all of our parent's drama, but it kept popping up no matter where we hid.

My dad moved in with Arthur and his dad not long after the divorce, so I still get to see him a lot. Going back to my mum's is a nightmare. Mum just gets worse and worse, I have no idea what to do about it. She says she's fine, but it's obvious that isn't true. I'm just her 17 year old son, what I say doesn't matter to her. I know my dad feels guilty about everything, he blames himself for the way she is.

I used to blame him too, but my parents had a really horrible marriage. I keep thinking mum should be happy they aren't together anymore. Who wants to live an unhappy lie?

Dad told me even before he came out officially to mum. Although I figure she must have known and that's why they never got on. But I don't know anything for certain. I still wonder about those kisses I saw between my dad and Arthur's, it's the reason I wasn't as shocked when my dad told me he was gay two years ago as I probably should have been.

I've never told Arthur about those kisses, it's the one secret I have from him. I don't know how he'd handle it if he thought his dad was gay too. Personally I don't have a problem with it and it's not like Arthur's homophobic, he still loves my dad. But Arthur can be sensitive about things like that sometimes and I don't feel like it's my secret to tell anyway.

When I hear the shop door bell chime, I sit up and put my novel down on the counter. My liquid silver eyes, same as my dad's, meet a pair of constantly intense blue fire eyes. I smile and I can feel sparks all over my skin as his gaze rakes me over, taking in every detail as usual. I push down the heat in my stomach and stand up. I say,

"No fucking way are you returning another one Prince"

Arthur's face is set in a semi-permanent smirk that promises danger and trouble. If he thinks he's going to win me over with that look then….well, he's probably right. I could never resist that look. Arthur comes all the way up to the counter and practically throws the CD down in front of me. I look down at the CD and sigh. Then I look back up at him. Arthur has always been taller than me, he got his height from his dad, and unfortunately I got my dad's height gene too. So Arthur is over six foot whereas I'm only about 5,10.

Our body types are the same as our height difference. Arthur is heavily built with muscular arms, broad shoulders and at least a six pack to finish it all off. I, on the other hand, have what could be referred to as a 'lean' and 'toned' body. I'm built more like runner or a swimmer. I used to be one hell of a skinny teen but I've filled out at least a bit in recent years.

Arthur's skin is a very light tanned colour, and he got his dark blue eyes from his mum, but apart from that he resembles his father completely with a strong jaw, high cheek bones and those wild blond curls. Arthur has always looked at least three years older than me. Although that might be because of my ginourmas bambi eyes and round face, I'd say I'm the classically boy next door handsome type whereas Arthur is more bad boy sexy.

We must look so strange next to each other as we're so different both inside and out. I can't help but think that if we hadn't grown up together we would never have been mates at all let alone be as close as we are. But that thought makes my head hurt, life without Arthur doesn't sound like much of a life at all. Which I know sounds obsessy and weird, but I can't help but feel that way. It's always been me and Arthur, through everything.

Arthur arches an eyebrow, the one with the bar piercing through it. I know that under the piercing is a scar. He got it at the beach when he fell off a large rock by the caves. Well, that's the story he told his parents and mine. But I know what actually happened. Because of my size and love of books instead of sports I got a lot of shit from some of the other more moronic boys at school.

I ignored them a lot of the time because what they said never mattered to me. I was a loner truthfully, and I liked getting lost in a book or my own imagination more than hanging out with other people my own age. The only person I've ever really been close to is Arthur, and that doesn't bother me at all. Arthur was, and is, the one with lots of mates, but I know he liked me best then and now, so it's never mattered.

Anyway, the boys who picked on me at school followed me onto the beach one day and got more physical than they usually did. I guess away from the confines of school they thought they could do whatever and I wouldn't be able to do anything about it. Which was true actually. If Arthur hadn't shown up I don't know how far they would have taken it.

When Arthur saw them beating me up he didn't hesitate to grab them off of me. Arthur was intimidating even at the age of twelve and he fought them all off. But not before one of them pushed him so hard that he slipped and fell. Arthur smashed his head against a big rock, but that didn't stop him from getting back up and beating the crap out of them. Once they'd all run off I saw his head bleeding and immediately panicked. I'd been so scared that he was dying or something, my over reactive imagination took over instantly, turning my life into a TV drama inside my head.

But Arthur just calmed me down and convinced me he wasn't dying. He didn't even cry at all, he acted like it was nothing. I don't know if he was acting that way for me or because he was so used to that kind of thing from his mum. We went back to his house and when his dad saw the cut he took us straight to the hospital just in case. The cut needed a few stitches and still Arthur acted like nothing was wrong. I wished I could be like that, I still wish I could be like that, but honestly I think I would have cried like little wimpy baby. I would still probably cry like a wimp, although maybe more of a wimpy man-child rather than a little wimpy baby.

Either way, what I'm saying is, I dislike pain with stark intensity, which is why I did not get that tattoo when me and Arthur went with our fake ID's to get them. Arthur got his, and he's added more since he turned eighteen. Career wise I'd be worried about getting a tattoo. But Arthur doesn't give a shit about that, especially since he wants to be an artist anyway.

Arthur meets my gaze unflinching and says,

"Fuck it. Come on Ace, please exchange this CD for me." Arthur bends forward and leans his arms on top the counter. His eyes intent on mine, but the smirk is still firmly in place and damn it if my heart doesn't flop over three times inside my chest. Arthur's blond hair is messy as usual, but it suits him and he manages to pull it off instead of looking scruffy.

I roll my eyes and say, "You know, just because I work here doesn't mean you can treat it like a bloody music library Prince. This is the last time, if you don't like the new CD then too bad, understand?"

Arthur's smile lights me up, even though I know he ignored almost everything I just said and only focused on the part he wanted to hear. I run a hand through the natural spikes of my shortish ebony hair out of habit. Arthur stands up straight again and looks down at my book. It's one of my favourite mystery novels. That's why Arthur calls me 'Ace', because I love any story with a mystery in it. I call him 'Prince' because he bloody acts like one, always has, the annoying git.

"Ok, ok, whatever. You comin' round early before the party to help me set up, yeah?" It's not really a question, he knows I'll be there. But I still answer,

"Yeah, course. Now pick out a new CD and bugger off, my shift ends soon. I need to go back to mum's before I come over"

Arthur nods, his smirk gone for the moment as he says,

"You need me to come round with you to your mum's Ace?" That's Arthur, always protective of me, he knows how difficult the situation with my mum is. But I can't rely on him all the time, I'm not that weak, I can handle myself, and my mum, fine on my own. Most of the time anyway.

I shake my head,

"No Prince, I'll be alright, just have to check on her that's all, I won't even stay that long." I can see Arthur's hackles rising as if ready to fight me on this. Arthur can be overly protective of me at times, which is my fault really for giving in to him so often.

"I don't want to argue about this Prince, I'll be fine, I promise. I'm going on my own and that's it" I say before Arthur can even open his mouth. His jaw clenches, not in anger, just in frustration and worry for me.

"If you're really sure, then alright. But you keep your phone on and call me for bloody hells sake if you need help, promise me, not like last time", I wince at his words. By last time he's referring to when I went on my own to my mum's a few weeks ago and she kind of attacked me. She smashed me with a wine bottle, my head was bleeding a lot, so after I got her settled down I went to the hospital. I wanted to call Arthur, but I thought it was stupid and that I was fine really.

But the moment he saw me Arthur knew something had happened, and I can never lie to Arthur, he knows me too well. He was majorly pissed off that I didn't tell call him. Which is fair because I'd have been upset if he didn't call me in a situation like that.

I meet his gaze so he'll know I'm not lying at all when I say,

"Yeah, I promise I will call you if there's a problem like…last time, ok?"

Arthur still looks unsure and I know he would argue with me about it all afternoon given the chance but he must have seen something in my eyes because he replies,

"Ok Ace, you stubborn brat"

I grin and fire back, "Arsehole prat"

We both laugh and my chest feels less heavy about going to see my mum. Arthur always makes life a little brighter for me. Once Arthur has picked out a new CD I exchange it and he leaves soon after with one more warning about calling him if I need help.

My shift is over only half an hour later and I leave my boss to close up the shop. Right before I leave my boss, Michael, says,

"We got a new lad coming in tomorrow, name's…Mordred I think, look out for him yeah. He's only going to be working here for a few weeks before going off to Uni". I nod distractedly, all my mind focusing on getting through the visit with my mum.

"Yeah, I will Mike, see you later" I call back to him on my way out the door.

Arthur's P.O.V

"Come on Arthur, just fuck me. If you love me, you will" Vivian snaps, her eyes all needy and even a bit frustrated. I take in every part of her and begin to wonder why the hell I ever fucked her in the first place. I mean, Vivian's beautiful, but she's also an obsessive up herself little princess. Jesus, how do I get myself into these situations?

Oh yeah, my dick.

I lean back against the wall in her living room, my arms crossed over my chest, body language hopefully putting out the 'I'm not interested' vibe. I knew coming here was a mistake, but when Vivian texted saying she really needed me I thought she was hurt or something. So I went right over. Just because I don't want to be her boyfriend doesn't mean I don't care if she's upset. But right now I'm seriously regretting letting my conscience take over.

"No. Viv, for the last time, I'm not having sex with you anymore alright. I'm sorry if you've read into all this more than I thought you would. I'm not your boyfriend and I don't love you. I do care about you, but that's as far as it will ever go" I reply calmly and clearly, although I've been saying the same thing for the past ten minutes and she doesn't seem to be listening to me at all.

I hate it when girls do that. Vivian is already shaking her head. Then she throws herself at me so fast I only have seconds to react. Her body is pushing up against mine. But I was paying attention enough that I managed to move away from the wall so I wouldn't be blocked in by her. Vivian rubs herself against me and now I feel sorry for her, which is a horrible feeling because the truth is she probably deserves much better than me. They all do.

Truth be told, I would have probably sorted this by now, but I'm distracted. My mind is only partly here, most of it is with Merlin. He's gone to see his bitch of a mother and I'm worried what she'll do to him this time. Merlin is always upset when he comes back from his mum's and that pisses me off. Merlin is probably one of the most positive and kind hearted people in the world, he's better than me in every way and the thought of him being hurt makes me see red. He doesn't deserve it.

Me and Merlin have been best mates for as long as I can remember and I care about him more than anything. He makes me smile even when I feel shitty, and that look of complete innocence and trust that comes over his face when our gazes lock sometimes is something I don't think I could live without. I made it through my mum leaving so I think I could survive losing anyone. Anyone except my Merlin.

I disentangle myself from Vivian and push her away as much as I can. I make her look at me properly and say,

"That's enough Vivian, I'm really sorry, but I don't have time for your drama", which is actually true, I have to get back to meet Jace at my house so we can set up for the party tonight. I've been looking forward to it as the house is parent free because they've gone away together. My Dad and Merlin's dad have been best friends even longer than me and Merlin, and I know we'll still be as close as they are when we get to their age.

Vivian pouts and I have to fight off the urge to roll my eyes. I really dislike it when people pout, it makes them look ridiculous. Merlin pouts sometimes and I tease him about it a lot, but somehow it doesn't bother me when Merlin does it, it's actually quite cute. Pretty much all his facial expressions are cute though, even when he's really pissed off. It's those massive cartoon sized eyes. They are the colour of liquid silver and take up almost his entire face, they're framed with really long dark lashes that every one of the girl's I know would kill for.

I move further away from Vivian and closer to the door. The need to escape this situation takes over. I really can't stand drama, I've had enough of it with my parents to last me a life time. I like girls and sex, but all the drama that comes with it is my kryptonite. Most of my mates tease me about jumping from one girl to another like stepping stones.

Merlin is the only one that understands the way I feel about it, he's never really been in a serious relationship before, but girls seem to love him. I know he gets even more attention from girls than me actually, most of the time they're all over him. I think it's because girls are drawn to the secretly sweet loner boy thing. But Merlin isn't pretending like most of my mates say, he is actually a really sweet bloke who just prefers his own company a lot of the time.

"Come on Arthur, what boy turns down sex, you got a secret you want to tell me?" she whines, it's at this point that I realise she's a bit drunk, or high, or both. But her words do start a fire inside me. I'm not one of those insecure blokes who think turning down sex makes you gay, that is just stupid and irrational.

Although there is part of me that wants to shove her up against the wall and prove her words wrong. I can be a real arsehole at times, but I'm not going to fuck Vivian just to prove a bloody point, that's crossing a line. Maybe if I was also drunk the story would be different, but right now I'm stone cold sober, and I've had enough of this shit.

"See you later Viv, you could do better, trust me on that", I leave right after and head home.

Merlin is there when I park my motorcycle in the driveway. I take one look at his face and I immediately want to smash my fist into a wall. He looks like he might cry, but he won't, not about his mum. Merlin may be a bit of a crier when it comes to physical pain, but when it come to emotional pain he's a hell of a lot stronger than he thinks he is. Much stronger than me definitely.

I pull off my helmet and stalk over to Merlin, his eyes are down cast and he won't meet my gaze. I know Merlin won't look at me because he knows he can't lie when he looks at me directly.

"Ace, what the fuck? I told you to call if you needed me", the words come out harsher than I meant them to. Merlin winces and I feel like a bastard, he doesn't need to be yelled at right now, but my anger at his hurt needs some kind of outlet. I remember all those years of being forced to go to anger management classes. I got into a lot of fights in my earlier teen years after my mum left.

But counting to ten and thinking of a happy place doesn't quite work when someone you care about so much is in obvious pain.

"I'm sorry Ace, I didn't mean to shout at you, it just pisses me off how upset you get after going to see her"

Merlin finally looks up at me then, his eyes so wide and full of emotion that my heart stutters in my chest. Shit, those eyes get to me every fucking time. I want to pull him into me, have his body close to mine so that I can feel like I'm protecting him. I've never been good with the emotional stuff, so the only way I can show how I feel is physically, even with Merlin.

After a moment of staring at each other, my stomach starts twisting into knots. Sometimes that happens around Merlin, it's just because we're so close that I'm almost certain I can sense his emotions. It is almost as if they are my own, like there's a cord between us that connects me to him and him to me. We've always been that way, even as children.

I want the feeling to stop though because it's too much for me to handle sometimes. I take hold of his wrist and pull him up the steps and into my house. Well, it's both our house really, Merlin even has his own key.

Once we're inside I take him straight into the kitchen. I don't let go of his wrist as I turn him roughly to face me and pull him into a hard embrace. He's so much shorter than me that his chin only reaches my shoulder and he lays his cheek against it as my arms hold him close around his waist. I would never hug any other bloke like this, but Merlin isn't just any other bloke, he's mine. Merlin feels so small in my arms and that makes the instinct to protect him even stronger.

After at least a minute of silence Merlin pulls back, the look of pain on his face slowly leaving and being replaced with the grin that makes me feel warm all over. It's strange to admit, but putting that look on Merlin's face is the one thing that makes me feel like a man more than anything else in the world. Even when fucking girls I don't get quite the same feeling of power and control, it's like Merlin's happiness depends on my choices. I know that's a weird way to look at it, but I can't help how my body and mind reacts instinctively.

The moment is tense before I pull away completely and normal conversation starts up again between us.

...

**_Please do review and let me know if I should continue with this story! xxx_**


	2. The kiss

_**I do not own Merlin or Arthur...which is upsetting xxx**_

Chapter two

Merlin's P.O.V

A few hours later Arthur puts on the new CD he exchanged for today. I arch an eyebrow and say,

"Tell me you like this one Prince"

Arthur looks right at me and pulls a face that I know means 'do you want the truth or the lie'.

"I may need to exchange it tomorrow, I just don't like 'em as much as I thought I would" he answers deciding to go with the irritating truth apparently.

I shake my head in mock frustration,

"For fucks sake Prince, throw me a beer then you arsehole if I have to put up with your shit. I swear to the rock gods, if you exchange it one more time after this one then I'll smack you upside the head with one of the records".

But as usual Arthur doesn't appear to hear anything but what he wants to. He picks up a bottle of beer and throws it my way. I catch it, by sheer will and a shit load of luck. Arthur looks up at me in surprise and says,

"Fuck me! You actually caught the bloody thing, this is an historical moment, think you could do it again? I'll get the camera"

I flip him off,

"Sod off Prince, I can…catch stuff…sometimes…it just takes concentration…and seventeen years worth of birthday wishes".

Arthur laughs and my stomach feels like it's full of colourful flying bugs. I down the beer in a few gulps. I may not be manly in a lot of ways, but damn it I'm still from an Irish and British heritage, a lethal combination of drinking ability.

"We double teaming it tonight Ace?" asks Arthur, with a smirk even more suggestive than usual. We learnt long ago that girls travel in two's most of the time at parties. It's no big thing, we usually just pick out two and end up staying together as a four.

But for some reason the thought doesn't appeal to me the same way it used to. I can't say that to Arthur though, he'd want to know why and I wouldn't be able to say because I don't get it myself.

"Yeah alright, but don't be upset when they both go for me again" I say, trying to conceal my nervousness as much as possible.

Arthur tilts his head, a stubborn ebony curl falling over his forehead and into his blue eyes.

"Fuck off, they were just drunk" he fires at me.

"You keep telling yourself that, a drunk girl is the only way you'd get any" I fire right back. The meaningless banter is easy and familiar. But then Arthur ruins it by asking the one question I'd hoped to avoid,

"You alright mate? You look all shifty, what's wrong?"

"When they gettin' here Prince?" I ask trying to ignore the churning of my insides at Arthur's question.

As if waiting for their cue the doorbell rings and Arthur heads for the door, I follow. Nothing could have prepared me for the sea of people that stream into the house as soon as Arthur opens the door. For a moment I think it'll never stop and that people will just keep coming forever but eventually it does and the house is full to the brim with noisy, already half drunk, teenagers. Excellent.

I fix Arthur with a glare,

"Prince, how many people did you invite to this thing?", Arthur looks taken aback, but not apologetic, when he replies,

"Just a few Ace, don't panic. I didn't think you'd feel this way about it"

I roll my eyes, a few people my arse.

"Fine Prince. But you bloody well knew exactly how I'd feel about it. I don't care as long as you know that YOU are the one cleaning up when they bugger off"

Arthur's smirk falls back into place as he says,

"Alright then Ace, come on, I need a fucking drink, I'm way too sober right now"

It's all bullshit, I know I'll end up cleaning because I always do, and I'll be the one to tell everyone to piss off because Arthur never does it.

But I let that go for now and head after Arthur to get another drink, I'm too sober right now too. But half way there I get pulled in by a group of girls. Three of them keep trying to get me to dance and the other two try and start up a conversation. I'm polite and talk to them, even though most of the girls are already way past off their heads. Having a conversation with a drunk person when you're drunk is fine, but having a conversation with a drunk person when you're sober is pure torture.

Arthur's P.O.V

I see Merlin getting held up by girls and a flash of something hot passes through my system at the sight. I decide it's jealousy at my friend's amount of female attention, he really does attract them like no other bloke I've ever met.

After getting myself a beer I turn to see Merlin trying to extract himself from all the drunk girl's affection. Merlin is a lot more polite than me and he cares far more about not messing with a girl's head than I ever have. He's always careful not to hurt anyone's feelings if it's the type of girl who doesn't do one night stands often.

I keep thinking Merlin will meet a beautiful and nice girl. Most likely the bookish type, and that they'll fall in love because of mutual likes and pure heartedness. But strangely Merlin goes for the complete opposite most of the time, like the type he can fuck and never talk to again if he doesn't want to. It's so different from Merlin's usual personality. I just don't get it, mostly I can read Merlin really well, but when it comes to girls he's a fucking mystery man.

Merlin gets pulled back in though and he looks at me with an apologetic smile that goes right to my head. I nod to let him to know it's alright. I down my second beer and open up the vodka. Everyone's drinking heavily tonight and I really need to find someone to fuck to get some of this frustration out of my system.

After talking to a few of my mates for a while, a girl I barely know gets up onto the counter and starts letting people do belly button shots off of her. She's the one.

I waste no time and only an hour later I'm shit faced and kissing a girl who's name I couldn't remember even if she told me it over and over every couple of minutes.

I have my tongue so far down her throat I'm surprised she isn't gagging, although that could be a good sign for later on. The girl's hand goes to my groin and I think 'fuck later on'. I look up only for a moment and my eyes automatically seek out Merlin. I look for that dark hair, those moonlight eyes and that lithe body.

I last saw him dancing with the same group of girls that captured him earlier. It takes a while with my unfocused eyes, but eventually I find him. Merlin is still dancing, but now instead of dancing with a group he's just with one girl. I don't recognise her, she's wearing next to nothing and grinding up against Merlin quite obviously. His type apparently.

Merlin is holding a bottle of something and he takes a swig of it before the girl he's with kisses him hard on the mouth. Merlin looks startled and his eyes seem to look out over the crowd until they meet mine. The girl I'm with is plastered against me and slipping her hand into my jeans. I don't move as Merlin and me keep eye contact for a few very long and excruciatingly intense seconds. But then my girl slams her lips over mine and I'm forced to pull my darkening gaze away from Merlin's, but not before I see an emotion that looks suspiciously like hurt flash in his eyes.

I'm far too drunk to analyse it though and soon I'm back in the mood to fuck this girl. She's definitely up for it and that's all I need to know right now. I pull away again and I'm just in time to see Jace leading the girl from before upstairs. Something cold and dangerous coils itself inside my gut and my jaw clenches painfully.

I push the feeling down but it's constantly there, making my skin prickle and my hands form fists without even meaning to. I shake my head almost violently and look down at the girl still kissing my neck. I take her hand in mine and lead her quickly up the stairs and into my room. Merlin isn't there, so he must be in his dad's bedroom. My stomach and mind repel all thoughts of what he's doing in there and I try to concentrate on what I'm fucking doing.

Clothes come off fast and I waste no time as I lay her down on the bed and then cover her body with mine. I try to be gentle, but the slower I am the more time I have to think, and thinking leads to thoughts about Merlin and those thoughts either cause pain or make me so fucking angry I can barely breath.

I take a condom out of my side drawer and slip it on. Only a few seconds later I'm pushing myself deep inside of this girl who I don't know and really don't want to know. I'm too drunk to think clearly but sex is something I can do no matter how fucked up I am. I don't fuck slow and steady, that's not me, never has been. So I slam into this girl hard over and over, my cock pushing in and out of her again and again. I hear no complaints so I don't stop; and I won't stop until my mind banishes the secret wish that I was fucking someone else. Someone with eyes the colour of starlight and a face prettier than any girl's.

Merlin's P.O.V

I am so bloody drunk. Not as much as my mum though most likely. When I went to see her today things went from bad to worse in the space of only ten minutes. At first I was just trying to clean things up, take all the bottles and put them in the green bin. The house is a state, I only cleaned it a couple of days ago. Mum wasted no time is messing it all up again.

She was passed out on the sofa and I should have just left her there. I know better than to wake my mum up, I definitely know better than to try and get her to do something when she's that fucked up. But for some reason I decided to be an idiot.

All I wanted to do was to get her into bed so she'd be more comfortable and less likely to get up for another drink. But from the moment I woke her up I knew I'd made a mistake. I tried to help her up, my mum's eyes were blood shot and even a bit yellow in places, her face was swollen.

As soon as she was standing she started shouting. Even before the divorce my mum yelled and screamed a lot, she's always been an angry woman. But since she started drinking she's become spiteful as well. She shouted about how much she hates my father and how I'm so much like him so she hates me too. Just saying loads of shit like that, I'm used to it by now but her harsh words still cut deep most of the time.

It took me a while to get my mum to calm down and into bed. After that I cleaned up a bit more, then I headed out to meet Arthur. I don't like to stay there longer than I have to.

But now here I am, off my face and kissing a girl. Her name is Morgana and I've seen her around a few times, our town is so small that it would be impossible not to have seen her. Morgana is a few years older, back downstairs we actually had fun talking. Morgana is very pretty but I hardly notice as she strips off both her clothes and mine. I'm in no rush, in fact the thought of fucking Morgana has my stomach churning like I might be sick.

Then again that might be because of the reason I came up here in the first place. I just couldn't stand watching them anymore. Every few minutes I'd look up and Arthur would have that girl smothered all over him and I could not handle it one moment longer. When our gazes locked I was sure he'd seen how I felt, he can read me like no one else. But then that girl kissed him and our connection broke. I know Arthur fucks a lot of girls, and I'm definitely not a virgin, but I don't like to bloody well see it.

Before long Morgana is naked except for her pants and bra, and I don't feel like doing this anymore, but my drunken mind refuses to give me an out. All my clothes are off apart from my boxers. Morgana kisses me again and asks,

"Do you have a condom?" Fucking hell, no I don't.

I shake my head and answer,

"I'll go get one" and in a panic I leave the room. Idiot, idiot, idiot. Now what am I going to do? I can't go back downstairs in just my boxers. So there's only one real option.

I knock reluctantly on his door and call out that it's me. I hope to hell he doesn't tell me to come in. I know what they're doing, I can fucking hear it even over the overly loud music coming from downstairs. I'm about to walk away when I hear Arthur's voice, thick with lust and being drunk, calling for me to come in.

Shit!

I shudder at the thought, but I don't hesitate. I open the door and walk in, trying like hell to go for casual. Pulling off casual whilst you're pissed is impossible for me, but Arthur is a little busy fucking someone anyway. He looks at me and the girl he's with gives us both an irritated look, but he shoves into her a little harder and she moans loudly in response no longer seeming to care about my intrusion.

Arthur grinds out,

"What is it Ace?"

"I need a condom, help me out, yeah?" I answer. I want desperately to run out of this room right now, but I can't, that would look fucking weird. Arthur gestures to a box inside his nightstand.

I go over and take out one of the plastic packages. As I move away from the bed and towards the door our gazes lock again. It hurts so bad that I stop breathing for a moment, his blue fire eyes burn into me and I can't for the life of me look away.

But then I hear a voice from the door way,

"Are you coming or not?" It's Morgana and I can't decide if I'm grateful to her for breaking me out of this undeniably heated moment or want to hide from her because the thought of having sex with her makes me want to be sick again. I convince myself it's the alcohol.

Arthur looks away from me to her and pulls out of the girl he's with. He barks angrily,

"What is this, a fucking party in Arthur's room? I'm fucking busy!"

I move quickly to the door and remove both Morgana and myself from the room. As I close the door our eyes meet once more and I whisper,

"Sorry Prince"

Once the door is closed Morgana takes hold of my hand and pulls me back into the other room. My dad's room is quite simple, with the walls, carpet and sheets all different shades of blue.

I like this room, it used to relax me when I was younger, I slept in here a lot before my dad moved in. I'm anything but relaxed right now though, and as Morgana pulls me into a kiss I just go with it and kiss her back hard. I want this over with but I don't want to make it bad for her, that wouldn't be fair. We fall down onto the bed together.

We take off our underwear and soon enough I'm ripping open the packet and putting on the condom I took from Arthur's room. I push into her slowly and kiss her lips and body, trying to make sure at least one of us enjoys this. That's what I always do, I forget about my pleasure and focus completely on the girl I'm with. I'm good at sex, I know I am and that's most likely because I focus on the actual girl's pleasure so much more than my own.

Making her come is easy, but for me it takes a lot of using my imagination to conjure an image I can work with. I don't think too much about it and being drunk helps a hell of a lot. I don't think I've ever had sex sober and somewhere inside I know I most likely couldn't if I was.

About twenty minutes later we're both lying next to each other on the bed. She looks happy and I'm glad about that at least. I don't say anything and neither does she. Morgana gets dressed after about five minutes of silence between us. Morgana looks down at me and I sit up, she kisses me one last time and asks,

"What's my name?"

I frown, not because I can't remember, but because the question seems so random,

"Morgana, and you are so beautiful". I have no idea why I said it, apart from the fact that it's true.

Morgana actually smiles, but I can't read what the smile means exactly. Arthur would be able to, he can read people so easily and accurately it's almost scary. Thinking of Arthur makes my whole body feel like it's on fire and I try not to let that show from the expression on my face.

"Honestly Merlin, you're the best sex I've ever had, but I actually like you. So I'm going to tell you that I think you deserve better than this" she says, her voice is so serious that I take it in despite how drunk I am.

Then Morgana kisses my forehead and leaves the room without another word.

I stay there for a couple of minutes, my mind swirling with intoxication and confusion. You deserve better than this. What does that even mean? Does she know how little pleasure I took from us having sex? All I can hope is that Morgana doesn't think it was because of her, I wouldn't want to hurt any girl's feelings like that. But Morgana seems the strong sort from what I could tell, not likely going to let any bloke make her feel bad about anything.

Moments later I can feel myself trembling like mad, I can't stop it. My insides start burning again as my mind strays back to Arthur. Then again I never really stopped thinking about him. It was Arthur I used to come. No matter what it's always thinking of Arthur that does it for me like nothing else. I think about him practically all the time, and it's killing me. It hurts too fucking much and suddenly I can't breathe.

I need to get out, get out now!

Within seconds I'm out the door having only pulled on my jeans. I run to the bathroom and slam the door shut behind me, I lock it and get into the bath. It calms me only slightly. Me and Arthur used to sit in the bath sometimes when we were younger if we were upset

My world spins and it has nothing to do with the alcohol. I have never felt so confused and lost in all my life. I hate these feelings. I hate that I'm the one who has to feel them. I hate knowing I'll never be happy, because the one person who makes me happy would never want me, not like this. Not with this burning desire that courses through my body every time our eyes meet; every time we touch, even every time he says my name, the way his lips move and the low pitch of his voice that makes me shiver with pleasure.

How the hell did this happen? Why do I have to feel this way?

And just like that I can't breathe again and I begin to shake, full body shakes that are almost violent.

I don't know how I can concentrate on anything other than what my mind is screaming at me. But when I hear HIS voice on the other side of the door my head snaps up. My arms are wrapped tightly around my drawn up legs but my body is still shaking. He probably saw me run into the bathroom, I must have looked like I'm losing it. I am definitely losing it. I don't think I even ever had IT.

He knocks hard and practically shouts through the door,

"Ace? Are you alright mate? Let me in, yeah"

I run a trembling hand through my hair and call back, my voice even shakier than my body,

"No…..go away Arthur, just piss of, ok. Please."

I hope like hell he'll leave me, just this once. But I know he won't.

"Piss off? Why? Open this fucking door Merlin or I'll break the bloody thing down, you know I will" he shouts back sounding frustrated as hell.

"Please Arthur, please go away." I plead, I can't handle anymore of this, I can't see his face without my insides crumbling. I won't be able to look into his eyes without breaking I know it.

Seconds later I hear Arthur slam his shoulder against the door and the lock snaps right off, old wood splintering. Arthur storms in without any hesitation but stops short when he catches sight of me. The anger in his eyes turns to worry instantly.

I look away before I can catch his gaze fully and look down at the scuffs on my well worn jeans. Arthur kneels down next to the bath so he's more at my eye level but I still refuse to look at him. I hear Arthur let out a frustrated sigh, he says,

"What the hell Merlin? I mean fucking REALLY….." but then he trails off and his voice turns much softer, "Ace, come on mate, you're scaring me here. Tell me what's wrong?"

He places a strong hand on my shoulder, his hand feels warm and comforting even though I'm still shaking. A sob bursts out of my mouth suddenly. I can't stop them once they've started. The shakes rack my body as my sobs just keep coming. I feel Arthur tense beside me, he moves to cup my face in his hands and makes me turn to look directly at him.

I was right. I broke.

I flinch harshly from his touch and stand up. Arthur stands too and stumbles back a bit because of the suddenness of my movement. My eyes are foggy with hot stinging tears and I feel completely out of control. And it hurts, it hurts so much, too much.

"Don't touch me. Never touch me. Not when you've been touching her" I choke out as I step out of the bath.

Arthur backs up a bit more and stares at me like I've lost my mind. I have.

"What the fuck has gotten into you, Merlin? When I've been touching her? What about you and that other girl. The bloody hell? I didn't even finish her off!" he shouts at me, his face in full panic mode for the first time since he was a child.

I look up at that, tears still streaming down my hot face, "You didn't? I fucked that girl, I had to fuck her. I HAD to" I shout back desperately. I look away from Arthur and run my hands through my hair violently. My shoulders slump as the will to fight goes out of me. I'm breaking inside and it's starting to show on the outside too.

"Please" I whisper "Just leave me Arthur".

"What do you mean 'you had to'?" Arthur asks looking as desperate and confused as I feel. He moves to block the doorway and kicks the broken door closed. Arthur grabs my upper arms forcing me to meet his gaze and then holds it intensely. His dark cobalt eyes are blazing with a mixture of emotions so strong I shiver from the intensity of it all.

"I can't leave you like this. Tell me what's wrong." He says, his voice surprisingly steady, he's obviously trying to snatch back some control over the situation.

When I say nothing Arthur spins me around and pushes me up against the door. He's holding me there firmly and still makes sure our eye contact is not broken. He removes his grip from my arms and splays his hands out on either side of my head so I'm blocked in by his thick arms. Arthur is in dark jeans and nothing else, which does nothing to help slow my heart rate down.

I swallow hard and lick my lips because they feel so dry after all the crying like a mental person. I am a mental person. Excellent.

I'm pressed against the door and Arthur's body is almost fully pressed against mine. I can't escape. I don't even really want to, and that's the scariest part.

"You don't want to know" I say honestly, my breath catching "I don't even want to know what's wrong with me. I'm fucked. I'm so fucked Arthur. I'm not normal. I..."

"I can't breathe" I gasp out, "Please let me go. Please, I'm begging you Arthur, please!".

Before then Arthur's eyes had been searching mine, probably looking for some clue as to why I'm acting this way. But with my words he stops searching. Something flickers inside those dark eyes of his and he seems to make a split second decision.

I swear if I didn't know him so well I wouldn't have seen it coming, but I suck in an unsteady breath right before his lips come crashing down over mine.

All my thoughts freeze for a moment as I feel his lips pressing down on mine. He pushes his body firmly against me and I shiver, but this time it's from pure pleasure. My heart pounds as he kisses me hard. I'm instantly taken back to that moment all those years ago when I kissed Arthur for no other reason than because I truly wanted to. But this is completely different, there is nothing tentative or unsure about this kiss. Ohhh, no.

My whole body comes alive with need and I feel like I'm drowning in this kiss, drowing in HIM. Nothing has ever felt so completely right. I'm turned on so fast it's almost ridiculous and I realise my imagination has nothing on the real thing.

I want him. I. Want. Him.

Fuck. I really, really do.

But just when I think I'll die if he ever stops, he does stop. Arthur pushes away from me harshly, his expression one of complete shock and even more confusion than I've ever seen on his face. I can breathe again, but I now feel like I can't breathe properly without his lips on mine, without his body pressed against me. I crave his touch.

Then I see panic set in and his eyes dart around frantically for a way to escape. I move forward to try and comfort him so he won't leave me, either mentally or physically. But Arthur uses the opportunity to slam out of the room so fast I almost fall over. I'm left staring after him with my cock straining against the zipper of my jeans and my heart pounding so hard that I think it's louder than the music downstairs.

...

_**PLEASE review and let me know if you like my story and thanks so much for reading! xxx**_


	3. The choice

_**I do not own Merlin...more's the pity...;) xxx**_

Chapter three

Arthur's P.O.V

FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!

I crash into my room hazardly as my world tilts on its axis and then smacks me upside the head a few times for good measure.

I just kissed Merlin.

I just KISSED MERLIN!

I. JUST. FUCKING. KISSED. MERLIN!

No matter how many times I replay the words, it refuses to make sense. The thing I'm not even willing to think about is that not only did I want to kiss him, but I enjoyed every second of it too. My dick is so fucking hard right now that it throbs. JUST FROM A KISS.

I have never wanted anything so much in all my life. I never wanted any**one** so much in all my life. My blood feels like it's on fire and my pulse is racing so fast anyone would think I'd just run a bloody marathon. I didn't know it was possible to feel so much, I especially didn't know you could feel so much from just one kiss. One fucking unbelievably brilliant breath-taking kiss!

Fuck, breath-taking?

At what point tonight did I turn into a fucking _girl_? Not having sex with that girl tonight was bad enough. But after Merlin left I just felt…empty. There was something gnawing at my insides which made touching that girl feel….wrong, horribly wrong.

For the life of me I couldn't figure out what my problem was.

Is?

Not for a second did I think it was because I wanted to kiss Merlin. I did want to though, in that moment, I'd never wanted anything more. He was just so upset and I could see the pain in those beautiful honest eyes; those moonlight eyes that make me feel things no one else ever will. He was pushing me away though, and Merlin never pushes me away. I wanted to look after him, the way I have all our lives. I didn't even think about it, I simply wanted, so I let my desires take over.

I've probably ruined everything. All these years of friendship and I've ruined it all with one stupid mistake. I slide down the wall, practically falling, the pressure inside my chest increases. I can't live my life without Merlin , he's the most important person in the world to me.

The thought of losing him is making my heart hurt, I know what true physical pain is, but it's nothing compared to this pain. Losing Merlin would destroy me. I'll take it back, I just have to take it all back. I'll tell him I was drunk or that it was a joke or…something less moronically transparent hopefully.

But….no, Merlin isn't an idiot, and he knows me too well. He'll call bullshit if I try to pass it off as a joke. My eyes start to burn and the realisation that I might cry is too much. I haven't cried since I was nine years old. I don't cry. I didn't cry when my mum broke my nose. Or when I broke my arm. Not even when my mum left me and my father.

No, I didn't cry, because I could get over those things. But Merlin is everything to me. Hot salty tears threaten to slide down my face. I smash my head back against the wall, hoping it will distract me.

Merlin comes crashing into my room then, his face red from crying, but still just as beautiful. Merlin has always been beautiful. I would stare at him when we were children, he was my favourite thing to draw and paint.

He just inspired me every time he smiled that small self-deprecating smile that made me want to smile too. Every time his silver eyes lit up like a sparkler my heart did jumping jacks inside my chest and my hand itched to get hold of a pencil or a piece of choal. I could spend the rest of my life drawing Merlin and still never fully capture everything I want to.

I force myself to stand. Because if we're going to have this out, then I'd rather not do it whilst on the floor. Merlin's chest is heaving, and his eyes are full of an odd kind of determination. I move toward him, half expecting him to flinch back from me, but he doesn't. Merlin just whispers, a catch in his voice,

"_Don't stop_"

My heart leaps into my throat and everything else fades away. All I can see is Merlin, all I want is Merlin. **My Ace**. I'm walking towards him before I can even think of what I'm going to do next. Merlin meets me half way and our lips crash together messily. The kiss is less of a surprise this time, but the lust that it fills me with is even more intense than before.

Merlin's arms go around my neck and I pull him closer roughly. Merlin whimpers against my mouth as I bite down on his lip and then push my tongue past his lips so I can taste him. My tongue tastes every part of Merlin's mouth that it can. Merlin tastes of alcohol and dark chocolate and something that's just….Merlin, pure Merlin, and I love it.

Merlin melts against me as I bite his lip hard and suck on it. I find myself pushing Merlin back towards the bed, my hands have found their way to his arse. It feels so different to a girl's, everything is more masculine, but that doesn't put me off because it's MERLIN.

I need this like I need fucking air. Merlin has always had a better arse than any girl I've ever met, even some of my male mates have joked about it. My hands hold onto his arse possessively and I let out a low growling sound when Merlin's hands slide into my hair and he pulls on it to deepen our kiss.

I push him down onto the bed and look down at him. I realise for the first time that Merlin is only wearing jeans, and so am I. With so little between us I feel the intense heat become a fucking inferno. I want him. I want him. I. Want. Him. Fucking now!

I cover his body with mine and return my lips to his, he kisses me back with so much enthusiasm and need that my world tilts on its axis all over again. Our position on the bed allows me to move so that our groins rub together. Merlin shivers beneath me.

Our cocks grind together erratically, only jeans between us and suddenly I want that barrier gone. As if reading my thoughts Merlin moves his hands away from my shoulders to start undoing my jeans with shaky hands. His hands are so unsteady that eventually I take both his wrists in one hand and force them above his head. I hold them there so I can undo his jeans and mine quickly. I ignore the tremor in my own hands.

I kiss a trail up across his stomach and his chest until I get to Merlin's chin. I nip at the sensitive skin on his jaw which elicits a long moan from Merlin, my cock hardens even more in response.

My eyes meet his silver eyes that are so bright they're practically glowing. Glowing with desire and want, so, so much want. I want this too, have done for a long time. The realisation hits me hard and for a few moments I can't move. How could I have missed this for so long?

We've been best mates forever and the thought of losing that still cuts me deeper than I could ever fully explain. Then another horrible realisation hits me; What if I lose him by fucking this up? With girls it didn't matter because I never really wanted them longer than one or two nights. But with Merlin…..I could want this every day for the rest of my life.

No, if I allow myself to have Merlin then I **_will_** want him every day, every hour, every fucking second for the rest of my life.

I would fuck it up though. I always do. Someone like Merlin deserves so much better than me it's unreal. I'm not good enough for Merlin, never have been, never will be. For once I can't be selfish, I can't take what I want so desperately.

All this becomes clear to me in mere seconds, just with one look in Merlin's eyes. Either way I will lose him. But better off making sure I'm the only one whose life is ruined by it.

I move away from Merlin so fast I almost fall over. Merlin sits up, his face full of confusion and…hurt flashes in those silver eyes. My gut clenches at that look of pain, all I want to do is go back to him and hold him and kiss him and…oh fuck this is going to kill me.

"No. Just no Merlin. I won't do this. I don't want to" I say firmly, hoping like hell that he won't see how much I really do want to, that I want to so fucking bad I could die from the intensity of it.

Merlin sits up, confusion written all over his face, and fair enough, I'd be damned confused too. Merlin runs a hand through his messy raven hair, hair that I want to run my fingers through like crazy. Fuck.

"Why not?" he whispers, Merlin meets my eyes, and I have to look away this time.

"Because I'm not fucking gay Merlin!" I shout.

Which is true really. Are you gay if you want just **one** bloke? I've never been attracted to any other boy or man. And I've definitely been attracted to girls and women. Why does sexuality have to be such a mind fuck?

My words seem to hit Merlin like physical blows and I try to suppress the urge to take them all back. Never have I tried to cause Merlin pain before, but I am now, because if we're going to come out of this with any resemblance of a relationship then I need him to think there's no chance for us like this.

Merlin looks like he'll argue at first, but mercifully he doesn't, even though a tiny selfish part of me hoped he would. Merlin stands up and leaves, he refuses to meet my eyes.

When Merlin is gone all the anger and frustration and pain comes surging forward making me see red and punch my bedroom wall so hard that I create a hole. It's not the only hole in my room. But it is the only hole that hasn't satisfied my anger. Usually I feel calmer afterwards. I still feel everything so fucking powerfully that it hurts all over.

I remind myself that I'm doing this so I can keep Merlin, not lose him as I surely would if I fucked up a 'romantic' relationship. Merlin is already everything to me, I can't even imagine what it would be like if we were…together. The thought isn't as weird as it should probably be.

I fall backwards onto my bed. Everything has changed. But I need Merlin to forgive me for this. He has to eventually. He has to. It's not as if Merlin loves me, not the way I love him, how could he?

Merlin's P.O.V

Never have I felt so confused about a choice I've made. Most of the time I do things based on my gut. My dad used to tell me that if ever I'm in doubt about something, then I should listen to my gut, because my gut knows things my brain doesn't.

But this time it must be wrong, because everything in me wants to go back to Arthur. How can that possibly be the right choice when he told me clearly enough that he doesn't want me? I want him though, more than I've ever wanted anything.

Arthur has always been my hero, my best friend, the one person I could count on to be on my side when I needed him. Now I've ruined things, and that thought alone is enough to create a dark place inside of me, it threatens to pull me in and never let me go.

My mind buzzes from the alcohol and the crying and the kissing, the extraordinary kissing that makes every moment before now seem unimportant, and the touching. I now crave the touching, how it made me feel so alive and real. Most people go through life being content, including me, without even realising what they are missing. But back there, in Arthur's room, being kissed by him, touched by him, caressed by him, loved by him, was the realist and most intense moment I've ever experienced.

Now I do know what I'm missing, and I also know one thing for certain because of it; I am in love with Arthur Pendragon. If I think about it everything in my life has been leading to this. I should have seen it sooner, or rather I did, but I was trying to tell myself it wasn't true.

Well, I can't do that anymore.

But knowing that I'm in love with Arthur, and admitting to it, makes no difference to how Arthur feels. I cannot force him to want me back, to really truly love me. I'm not an idiot, he's obviously attracted to me on some level, even a stupidly drunk one. He's also attracted to pretty much every girl he meets, so I'm not exactly special in that respect.

I push it all from my mind for now, because if I think about it all too much then I'll break down again, and there's no guarantee I'll be able to get back up this time until morning.

I go downstairs and it takes me half an hour to get everyone the hell out. I knew it would be me telling everyone to piss off. I don't mind really as if there's one thing I really couldn't give to shits about right now, then it's my social standing.

Eventually though I'm alone, and instead of trying to get some sleep I clean up as much as possible. Nothing distracts me from thinking about Arthur, but it gives me something else to focus on at least.

But when that's done there's nothing else to do and no sign of Arthur. I have no idea whether I'm glad or disappointed about that fact. I don't have any idea what to do or what to think anymore. And if that isn't the most teenagery feeling ever.

I lay down on one of the sofas, hoping that sleep will steal me away from my thoughts.

Arthur's P.O.V

_I look over at my clock, it's almost 5 clock in the morning and I still haven't gotten any sleep. I can't stop thinking about Merlin and the look of complete hurt, and even a bit of betrayal, in his silver eyes when I pushed him away. I get off my bed and go downstairs for some water. But when I see Merlin asleep on the sofa I don't hesitate to lie down beside him. I manage to pull Merlin close, somehow we fit together perfectly and I can't remember ever feeling so comfortable in one place. Despite everything I drop off quickly with Merlin still sound asleep in my arms. _

Merlin's P.O.V

When I wake up the first thing I feel is the body moulded against mine. My mind frantically tries to think of who it is. But without even looking I know its Arthur. I know the sound of his breathing when he sleeps, low and calm, unless he's having a nightmare, and what he smells like, mint from the gum he chews after every cigarette and the leather from his favourite jacket. I know Arthur better than I know anyone or anything, including myself. It all seems so pathetic now; and with that all of last night's events come crashing down on top of me.

I practically fall out of his strong arms and onto the floor. Already I miss his protective embrace, which is stupid of me. Arthur has always been my protector in some way, but now it's so much more than that. In fact it probably has been for a long time, I just didn't realise it. How can you not know that you're falling in love with someone? You'd think that would something a person would notice.

But hey, I guess I'm just a new type of moron. God, I'm such a prat.

If I caught it sooner maybe I could have stopped it. Stopped myself from falling in too deep. But now it's too late and the pain of knowing he might not want me, ever, is indescribable and all consuming on a level I didn't even know existed.

Even though he pushed me away though and said he didn't want me, I can't help but remember that look on his face when he was kissing me and touching me. Arthur can't have faked all that, even if he was drunk. Maybe he just needs time to get used to the idea. It's not like Arthur has ever given a shit what other people think of him anyway.

I get up slowly, not sure if waking him is the right thing to do. I have no idea how he'll react to all this. Arthur may be unpredictable at times, but I usually understand his mind more than anyone else, which is one of the reasons why we are so close. So having no idea what his response will be about everything that happened makes me feel uneasy.

My head is dizzy from yesterday but apart from that I'm alright. I would, however, really like to have a shower. For the first time though I'm unsure if I want to have one here, considering all the memories that are sure to assault me when I go into the bathroom. The place where Arthur first kissed me. No way am I forgetting that any time soon.

My gaze darts between the front door and Arthur, eyes lingering on Arthur's sleeping form far more than it should have. For a moment I contemplate how much I've admired Arthur's body in recent years. It was more than just noticing how strong he is and how defined his muscles are. We're both still not wearing t-shirts so I can see how toned his abs and pecs are, it makes my morning hard on even worse.

Whoa, I'm gay, like really, **really** gay.

Shit!

Not realising that must have taken up a lot of effort.

Behind all the ridiculous amounts of pain and unease there is a part of me that feels like some sort of weight has been lifted. A certain pressure in my chest has lightened considerably. I am grateful for that at least. Admitting how I really feel to my self is a lot less difficult than I would have thought. Even stranger to admit to myself that I have no problem with it at all.

Maybe that's because of my dad or something. Not that it really matters. What does matter is getting through this thing with Arthur. Just as I'm thinking this, Arthur shows signs of waking up, and I feel like a creeper who's been staring at him. I have been staring at him. Like a creeper. Like a love sick creeper. Bloody hell and fire!

"Ace…." Arthur pretty much groans in a tired voice. I wonder if he's more hung over than me. Probably. Doesn't make last night seem any better. I bite my lip struggling for the right words, finally I say,

"Prince…..I'm going home alright….I've got work later…"

Arthur jerks fully awake at that and sits up faster than anyone with a hangover should be able to without doubling over in pain. His dark blue eyes turn into blue fire once again and sear into me with an intensity that causes me to shiver.

Arthur stands up more slowly, still keeping eye contact with me. I back up a few paces so that we won't be as close to each other. Even though I really want to be touching him, and for Arthur to be touching me. I run a hand through my hair nervously. Arthur notices both of my movements, thanks to that annoyingly perceptive gaze of his, but doesn't comment on either of them thankfully.

"Why are you going 'home'? Since when is here not home anyway?" he asks, his blond hair is messy and even wilder than usual and I find myself wanting to run my fingers through it. I've always liked Arthur's hair as wild as possible. It just suits him that way.

I bite my lip again before answering his first question,

"I'm going to have a shower" I realise how stupid that sounds only moments after saying it.

Arthur's expression changes from curious to angry almost instantly,

"Have a bloody shower then Merlin, you don't need to leave for that. There's one upstairs remember, in the bathroom. You know the one you've used about a thousand times before"

I understand his frustration, but I'm frustrated too. I want to give him space to think things over. No way in hell can we brush what happened last night off and forget about it. I have a feeling that might be what Arthur wants for us to do. Well too bad, because that ain't happenin'.

"Nah…I'll just-oh for fuck's sake Prince, I'm not doing this. I just want to give you some time to….think. I know how you like to process things" I blurt out impulsively. Lying to Arthur has never been my strong suit. Arthur is normally the blunt one, but this time I guess it has to be me who gets the ball rolling.

Arthur's jaw hardens and I get a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. He won't meet my eyes again as he says,

"There's nothing to think about Ace. Please let this go. Nothing has to change. I was off my head last night… you know what I'm like, it could have been anyone".

Those last few words hit me like punches to the gut. Mostly because it's the same thing I've been trying not to think. That I mean so little to him. The corner of my eyes sting, threatening me with tears. The last thing I'm going to do is cry in front of Arthur.

I try to tell myself that he's just saying it could have been anyone, that he couldn't possibly have faked how much he wanted me. Really** wanted** **_me_**, not drunk wanted me. But that bit of doubt inside of me keeps growing stronger and stronger by the minute. Even if he does want me and is only pretending not to, then why would he pretend in the first place?

Arthur isn't the type of person to deny himself what he wants. That horrible self-hating place inside my head is telling me that Arthur doesn't love me. How could he love someone so weak? It's telling me that he only ever spent time with me because he felt sorry for his father's friend's son who had no mates, who got bullied almost constantly for loving books. The weird loner with the strange silver eyes that make people stare.

I've never felt all those things so powerfully before. Those thoughts were just things in the back of my mind that I tried to ignore. But now they're filling me with self-hatred. None of it mattered before because I had Arthur. As long as Arthur was my friend, then I could deal with all the rest. Without Arthur's acceptance I don't know how to handle the things that make me weird.

"_Could have been anyone_…" I choke out, and even I hear the extreme catch in my own voice when I say,

"I didn't want '**_anyone_**' last night you prat….I wanted **_you_**"

My words cause Arthur's eyes to widen, he probably wasn't expecting me to be so direct. Honestly I wasn't expecting it either.

Arthur shakes his head, as if denying my statement will make it untrue. He waits me out, but I'm not going to take it back. Not now.

"Merlin…I don't know what you want me to say. I'm sorry if I led you to believe I wanted things that I don't. I don't want you, not like that, and I never will…..I'm sorry. Could we please just forget about it and move on?" Arthur replies finally, almost reluctantly.

Arthur won't look me in the eye, and for once I'm glad, because I don't want him to see how thoroughly he just ripped my heart out. You know you hear about heartbreak and it sounds awful, but you secretly think it can't possibly be as bad as people make it sound.

Well you're wrong.

I was _**so wrong**_. It _**hurts**_. It hurts more than anything I've ever experienced, and even though I'm young and even though falling in love again isn't impossible as long as I'm still alive, I know that I will never feel the way I do for Arthur again. Not for anyone else. No one will ever be Arthur, this pain inside of me will haunt me until the day I die. I just know that to be true more than I've ever known anything.

With that one overwhelming truth realised, I cannot stand to be in the same room as him anymore; Even thinking his name threatens to bring me to my knees from the sheer intensity of the pain I feel right now.

Before I can even complete the thought I'm moving towards the door. I grab my jacket and pull it on. I thank Christ that I left my bag near the door and then I'm running, bag in hand, out the door and down the road. I have no idea if Arthur is following me. I don't look back, I just keep going.

...

**_Special shout out to-Momma Midnight, mersan123, mimi and the Guest who took the time to write a review-I love you people, your reviews mean so much to me and I really hope you'll write more! xxx_**

**_I hope you liked this chapter, it's very upsetting, and I'm afraid the next chapter won't be much better xxx_**

**_Please let me know what you thought! xxx_**

**_Thanks so much for reading! xxx_**


	4. The sacrifce

_**I don't own Merlin or any of these other characters...WAAAHHHH! Cue mini sob ;) xxx**_

Chapter four

**Merlin's P.O.V**

Running, running, running. My mind is too full and I need to clear it. So I don't stop. I don't stop until I reach the one place where I feel completely free, and at the same time its home. The smell of the salty ocean, the sound of the waves crashing, even the feel of the sand beneath my feet. All of it is home. Mine. This is the only part of Colbie that I will really miss. Colbie beach, otherwise known as the beach of wishes.

The legend says that if you make a wish on this beach, then it will come true. But only if you believe in the beach's power.

All the locals believe it. I consider myself a local even though not all my family came from here. I also believe the legend, although I've never told anyone that. Except Arthur. Arthur knows everything about me, I never held anything back from him. Well, accept the fact that I'm in love with him obviously. The secret that is tearing us apart.

I walk along the beach until I reach the rock pools by the caves. I've got to leave for work soon, although I haven't actually checked the time in a while. I'm not wearing shoes. I didn't even notice until my bare feet touched the sand.

Colbie is such a small town that the beach is pretty much empty most of the time, unless there's a party, or sometimes in the summer. I like how deserted it is, especially now that I desperately need time to think.

Arthur didn't follow me. I can't decide if I'm glad about that, or if it's just one more knife in my heart. Does he really not care? Have I read him wrong all these years? I thought for so long that I came first for Arthur, no matter how many friends or 'girlfriends' he had. Am I seeing now how he truly feels?

Somewhere inside me screams out in protest at these thoughts. Telling me that there's more going on, that there must be. But then, if there is, why would Arthur push me away so violently? Arthur has trusted me with even his most personal feelings over the years. Why would he suddenly decide I couldn't be trusted with them?

Maybe the truth is that he really just isn't gay. We are teenagers after all, aren't we supposed to 'experiment' or whatever. But the pure unleashed desire and tenderness in his eyes….maybe that was real, at least the tender caring part. Maybe Arthur does love me, just not like that. His feelings could have gotten confused.

He was really drunk.

If that's true, then does this have to be the end of us, or can we really carry on being friends like before?

I disregard that thought straight away, we can never be the way we were before. I honestly don't think I can look at him, knowing how in love with him I am and how he will never feel the same, and not break. My emotional strength doesn't stretch that far...at least...not yet.

What if…we had time apart? The acceptance letter to the University in Dublin springs into my mind.

"If you think any harder, then you might drown in your own thoughts" a voice, obviously female, comes from behind me. I turn around quickly and come face to face with Morgana, the girl from last night. For a moment I worry she'll be angry, or upset with me, but she doesn't seem either.

Instead Morgana is smiling at me, warmly in fact, as if we've been friends for a long time and were meant to meet here. I force myself to smile back at her. I'm a very unsociable person, it's deep rooted inside of me for whatever reason. But Morgana somehow inspires comfort, it is the main reason I chose to dance with her last night.

Out of all the women I've been with, she is by far my favourite, maybe it's because she's the only one I have ever liked. Morgana is definitely the only girl that hasn't made me feel uncomfortable. Even the sex was better, not exactly good, but better nonetheless.

I meet her big grass green eyes and am struck once again by how beautiful she is, far too beautiful for me really. With her long dark hair and heart shaped face, this girl probably has boys chasing after her constantly. I wouldn't blame them either.

But even as I'm thinking this, I know I'm not attracted to her, not really. Not at all the way I'm attracted to Arthur. Another wave of pain hits from thinking his name, and I only just manage to conceal it.

"Yeah, I'm losing my bloody mind. Not that there was much left to lose by this point anyway…..I never imagined being in love would cause me to feel like I'm dying inside. The valentine cards have it all wrong. I think I'll write a letter to the card making companies about it, they need to know the truth too"

I do not know what possessed me to say that, to be so honest, but I feel the need to tell someone and Morgana is pretty much my only option right now.

Morgana takes my words in and considers them only for a moment before giving me a knowing look and replying,

"Arthur, right?" at the confusion on my face she adds "I saw the way you looked at him last night, I had a hunch. What did he do?" she asks curiously.

"He told me exactly what I always secretly feared he'd say if he knew" I answer truthfully, because that is the truth. I may not have consciously been thinking it all this time, but it is the main reason I didn't let myself realise the full extent of my love for Arthur.

"He doesn't feel the same then?" she asks.

I simply nod and Morgana furrows her eye brows, as if not quite believing me.

"Are you sure? The way he looked at you…."

I put a hand up and shake my head,

"Trust me, he told me point blank how he feels"

Morgana still doesn't look convinced, but she lets it go, for now at least. She walks around me and over to a big rock. Morgana sits down on it and gestures for me to do the same. I hesitate only a second before complying and sitting next to her.

I drop my bag down on the floor and turn to look at Morgana. But her gaze isn't on me, it's out towards the ocean.

"I've just come back from Ireland" she says.

I nod even though she can't see it,

"Yeah, I remember you saying that last night. Are you still going back?"

This time Morgana nods, her expression is intent and wistful, she makes no attempt to hide any of her emotions. I envy her for that, I wish I could be so open all the time.

"I am. You ever thought about going?" Morgana asks me.

I actually find myself laughing at that and she turns to look at me then, her eyes questioning.

"I actually got accepted into Trinity."

She smiles instantly,

"Seriously? When are you leaving?"

I shift uneasily before answering,

"I…don't know if I'm going or not."

Morgana frowns prettily, she seems to sense my unease and says,

"My step-brother got into Trinity, it's his first year. We've actually looked at renting a place together, they've said they'll hold it for us until we get back. It's a really good deal, and close to the university. Have you thought about where you might stay? If you do go."

I jump on the chance to make this conversation about her instead of me,

"Your brother's not in Ireland?"

She shakes her head and arches an eyebrow, fully aware that I'm deflecting,

"Mordred decided to come over here with me. I'm just visiting my grandparents for the summer, they've moved here really recently. We're probably going back over in a few weeks."

Mordred? Why does that name sound familiar? It stands out in my mind for some reason.

Neither of us says anything after that for a couple of minutes until Morgana speaks again,

"He's actually got a job here. I don't know why he bothered, but Mordred can't stand doing nothing for that long. He gets all jumpy and pissy. He acts more like a moody little girl than I ever have"

We both laugh at that. I can't imagine Morgana ever being anything but calm and confident though.

That's when it hits me why the name Moredred rings a bell inside my head,

"Where is it he got a job?" I ask, already pretty much knowing the answer already.

Morgana tilts her head when she answers,

"Um, some sort of music shop I think. 'Rock records' or something"

"Rock 'em records?"

"Yeah, that's it. Why'd you ask?"

I smile at her, growing up in such a small town means I've gotten used to these kind of weird coincidences.

"I work there too" I admit.

Morgana laughs,

"Keep an eye out for him then, when have you next got work?"

That reminds me actually,

"What time is it?"

Morgana gets her phone out of her pocket and squints at the screen, salty wind blowing her hair around,

"Hmm, almost half twelve"

"Shit, my shift starts at one" I practically fall right the fuck off the rock we're sitting on. I stand up and pick up my bag...gracefully...ish. That's good enough for now.

"You want a ride?" offers Morgana "I'm using my grandparents car, I could give you a lift into town if you like"

I hesitate for only a second, I don't really know Morgana, but she seems genuine. Luckily I've got an extra t-shirt in my bag. I would rather have a shower first, but the sea air has made me feel refreshed enough that it isn't mandatory.

I nod,

"Yeah, that would be really great, thanks"

Morgana grins and nods back at me. She gets off the rock, far more gracefully than I ever could have, and starts walking towards some steps that lead off the beach. I hurry to follow her. Part of me dreads working for hours with my head so jammed full of things I wish I could lock up somewhere inside my mind and not think about.

But on the other hand maybe work will keep me busy enough that I won't have time to think. Possibly. Sort of. A bit.

Hey, I'm a terminal optimist alright.

Once we're inside the car Morgana wastes no time in starting it up and driving away from the beach. I think about asking if she's ok with me getting dressed into my spare t-shirt but then realise how ridiculous that is. We've seen each other naked and we've had sex. Seeing me bare chested for a few seconds is hardly going to make a difference.

So I take the t-shirt out of my bag and strip off my jacket. Morgana doesn't even glance at me as I pull the t-shirt over my head. I stuff the jacket into my bag, the shop is usually heated like an oven anyway.

Suddenly Morgana wolf whistles and I jump in my seat, surprise causing me to almost choke on my own tongue. Morgana chuckles and looks over at me briefly before answering my unasked question,

"Sorry, it's just that I like that body of yours. I especially like how that t-shirt is tight enough to be a second skin"

I have no idea if she's joking or not, but I allow myself to laugh along with her. I look down at myself,

"Yeah, this is an old t-shirt, but it's one of my favourites"

I don't mention why it's one of my favourites. Arthur got it for me a couple of years ago. Wearing it always reminds me of him, although now I'm thinking that is a very bad thing considering how thinking of Arthur makes me want to smash my head against a wall.

After that Morgana and me settle into comfortable conversation. I ask her why she was at the beach and Morgana admits that she hadn't been to a beach before and wanted to make the most of it now. I realise how much I like Morgana and her laid back attitude to life in general. She makes me feel calm and even settles the constant pain attacking my heart and stomach at least a little bit.

Twenty minutes later we pull up outside 'Rock 'em records'. I start to thank Morgana for the ride before I get out, but she holds up a hand.

"I'm going in with you. Might as well see if Mordred is here and introduce you properly. And by that I mean embarrass him to death"

I shake my head, but I'm grinning as well. I can only imagine what someone as bold as Morgana would do to embarrass someone. Also I can't say I'm not glad she'll be with me for a little longer.

Morgana follows me into the music shop. My boss, Mike, is standing behind the counter, he looks up at me when I come in and calls over,

"Merlin, come 'ere so I can introduce you to your new work buddy"

I move towards him and Morgana walks beside me. Mike looks at Morgana and throws a questioning look my way. I shrug in answer and mumble "alright". What else could I say? 'They Mike, this is Morgana, the girl I had sex with last night, but who also now knows I'm most likely gay and in love with my best mate'.

Yeah, because that's not weird **at all**.

"You bringing in customers off the street now Merls. I appreciate the commitment to my shop" jokes Mike gesturing towards Morgana.

Morgana nudges me and I smile at her,

"Nah, this is Morgana. She's a…friend" I say hesitantly.

I almost expect Morgana to give me a strange look, because calling us friends is a bit of a bold statement considering how long we've known each other. But when I meet Morgana's eyes, she doesn't seem to think me calling us friends is an unusual thing.

Well that clinches it, Morgana might be even madder than me. Never thought I'd think that about anybody.

Mike smiles warmly at Morgana and then calls out,

"Mordred, get in 'ere, got someone for you to meet and admire".

Morgana chuckles at that and nudges me with her elbow again. I frown fondly at her. I don't know what she finds so funny.

A boy about my age comes out of the back then, who I assume is Mordred.

Mordred makes me blink fast a couple of times. Morgana said they aren't related by blood, but they have the same blindingly infectious smile.

Mordred is taller than me by a few inches and has almost curly raven coloured hair, and bizarre amber eyes. I quite like them as I'm used to people commenting on my strange silver eyes.

He looks intelligent. You know when someone just seems quite clever. He's dressed in black cargo trousers and a blue v-neck shirt. His blazing smile is aimed first at Mike and then at Morgana, although I can see the slight eye roll at her presence, not without affection though.

But when his gaze lands on me, Mordred falters in his casual stroll. Only for a moment, but I definitely catch it. When Morgana hides another snicker behind her hand, I realise she saw it too. I don't have time to dwell on that however because as soon as Mordred reaches the counter Mike is standing behind, he says,

"So, this is the infamous Merlin Emrys. Mike has not stopped talking about you since we met. You are his favourite employee. You do make the shop look more enticing, I must say"

I bite my lip nervously at the praise from a stranger, his accent is also quite intelligent. Not exactly posh, but definitely upper class sounding. I haven't met many people like that, most people around here own the local businesses, or work for the local businesses.

I feel more than see Morgana roll her eyes, but I do hear her sigh,

"Ignore me then brother. I'm unimportant, obviously you'd rather flirt with **my** new friend"

I don't know whether to laugh like an idiot, or blush like an even bigger idiot. Mike simply shakes his head,

"Right then, introductions. Mordred, as you've already guessed, this is Mwerlin. Merlin, this is Mordred. You two will be working together for the next few weeks. Now I'm going out, Merlin I expect you to show Mordred everything he needs to know whilst I'm gone"

I nod and try to ignore Mordred's obvious appraisal of me. I've never felt so embarrassed...in a sort of good way.

Mike turns to Mordred and he nods as well. Moments after Mike is out the door Morgana lets her held in laughter out. Loudly.

I look between Mordred and Morgana as Mordred crosses his arms and leans against the counter. He talks to Morgana, but his amber eyes stay on me. I look up at him through my black eye lashes, unsure of how to react to his attention.

"Shut up Mog, you're making yourself seem even more mental than usual"

Morgana sticks her tongue out at him and winks at me. I find myself grinning back at her.

"Well, Merlin is my new friend. A new friend who's thinking about going to Trinity. It is now our job to convince him how amazing Ireland is"

That seems to spark interest in Mordred, who raises a questioning eyebrow at me. I fight not to shy away from his gaze. I may be a practically friendless book lover, but I've never been shy before. Damn it, this awakened sexuality thing is going to be a pain in the arse. I had no problem with girls, and I realise now that it was because I didn't ever fancy any of them.

Not that I fancy Mordred. Jesus, my mind is so full of Arthur that I'm pretty sure I'll never be able to want anyone other than him...like, ever. Heart break is fucking me up even more than usual.

"So, what's holding you back? Family? Girlfriend?" asks Mordred.

If there's one thing both Mordred and Morgana have in common then it's their ability to ask both blunt and personal questions. I think it is probably rude and inappropriate. But I'm also a social outcast, so I don't really know the ins and outs of conversation well enough to know for sure.

Maybe it is perfectly normal to ask personal direct questions like this. Certainly makes better sense than going around and around in circles over things. With Arthur it was easy, because we always knew everything about each other, so we knew exactly what questions to ask, there were no secrets between us.

At least, I thought there wasn't. But obviously I was keeping something big from him. To be fair, I was hiding it from myself too.

Wow, I really hope I'm not this much of an idiot when I get older. I was about to say grow up, but height has little to do with maturity…..damn it, brain, stop wrabbling like a fool! This is why you have no friends.

"No. I mean, I made other plans…but I'm not sure about what I want anymore". **_Lie_**. I want Arthur, and I want him to want me too. As for where I want to be when that's happening, I really have to think about it.

"If I'm honest I think I want to go to Ireland" I say more to myself than Mordred.

Mordred tilts his head, dark hair falling into those amber eyes that I can't seem to stop staring into. All my life I hated it when people would stare at me because of my glowing silver eyes, they are admittedly really strange if you're not used to them. But now I kind of get it. Mordred's eyes are like two pieces of melting copper.

I can't help picturing two pennies being stuck inside a flame until they start to look like they are being lit up from the inside.

"So, you are being held back by something then?" Mordred asks, seeming genuinely interested, but something about his tone stops his question from sounding irritating or insensitive. I don't say anything, how can you explain your whole history with another person to someone. Answer, you can't. I don't even know if I want to. I did after all just meet Mordred, and I've only known Morgana for a day.

But, something about both of them makes me feel more comfortable than I've ever felt with anyone else. Apart from Arthur obviously. Maybe it's time to make friends who I'm not in love with. Might be a good start on the road to accepting what I'll never have with Arthur. Right now I can't imagine ever getting over Arthur. I don't even want to.

Mordred's gaze hasn't really left mine since Mike left, but now his eyes flicker to Morgana briefly. He seems to prepare himself for his next question,

"Some**one** then? I get that. I broke up with my boyfriend, Elyan, because I was going to Ireland. It hurt like fuck to do it, but I knew it was better for both of us"

I can't help but dart a glance over at Morgana who's eyes are full of genuine sympathy for Mordred. Not pity though. I don't think Morgana would ever look at someone with pity in her eyes. Us lot worthy of pity hate that shit.

I got the look of pity from people who knew about my mum's drinking. Arthur got the same looks when his mum left. He hated them too, it was one of the reasons he would lash out all the time. Arthur always had one hell of a temper, but it got worse in his teens. He used to say that the only time he felt calm was when me and him were on Colbie beach together.

I treasured those moments, used them to fight the feeling of anger and agonising hurt I felt when my family life got slowly worse and worse over the years.

I already kind of figured that Mordred is gay. My mind still slaps me from the inside though, causing me to have zero control over my mouth, or the bloody words coming out of it.

"Arthur isn't my….boyfriend. He's been my best friend since…well, forever actually. I ruined us though, by realising I wanted more. Want. I want everything. But he doesn't feel that way"

"You're in love with your straight best friend" Mordred clarifies, it's a statement, not a question, but I still nod to confirm.

"That about sums it up. Sounds pathetic actually" It really does as well.

Mordred shakes his head vigourasly,

"No. I don't think it's pathetic" Morgana makes a noise in agreement, "We can't help what we feel. Even though we wish we could tell some emotions to piss off.

"Not for a lack of trying" comments Morgana thoughtfully, I almost laugh at that. It's all so ridiculous. Me, standing here, having this kind of personal conversation with two virtual strangers. Yet, I'm glad I don't have to suffer through it alone. If I'm going to be a miserable bastard, then I might as well make some friends whilst I'm at it. Admittedly bloody insane friends.

"Shit just doesn't work that way" I say in agreement. A few seconds later we're all laughing. Laughing at how painful loving someone can be. Laughing because if we weren't laughing I think I'd be crying, and I've done enough of that for one life time already.

**Arthur's P.O.V**

It still hurts like a motherfucker. Pushing Merlin away like that almost killed me, but I had to do it. For him. For both of us. He's so fucking beautiful though. The way he looked when I said all those things. The whole time every part of me just wanted to grab hold of him and make him understand why I'm doing this.

Merlin is everything to me, always has been, always will be. I can't ruin his life by breaking him. I would, if we were together, Merlin would eventually realise how unworthy I am, how much of a fuck up. He deserves so much better.

Merlin see's the best in me, when we were children he supported me through everything, even the little things that made no sense to anyone else. Merlin's touch, his voice, his eyes. Everything about him is now sexy as hell to me.

More than anything I want to protect Merlin, if that means destroying myself, ripping my own heart out, then I will. He looks at me like I'm the best thing in the world, all my life that adoration in his eyes has made me feel like I can do anything.

I can do this. I can. For Merlin.

Some part of me screams that Merlin is mine. I can't even imagine seeing him with someone else. Other girls was always bad enough, but what if he's really gay like I expect he is. What if he comes out and meets someone who knows what they are. Someone who isn't fucked up, who can love Merlin without ruining him.

That really would kill me. I can already feel myself dying from the inside. I thought we could be friends, still stay in each others lives, but I know now that it would be impossible for me to keep my hands off him.

I refuse to treat Merlin like just another one night stand, like I said, he deserves so much better. But I can't give him better, because I'm not better, I'm so much worse than he thinks I am.

I should be strong enough to force myself to just pretend everything is normal. But I'm not, he knows me too well. A few days alone with Merlin and he'll know exactly how I feel by just watching me. We're meant to go away to University together. That was the plan anyway.

I know Merlin was accepted into Trinity. I found the acceptance letter by accident. Every time I saw him I wanted to ask him about it. Why didn't he tell me? Did he think I would be pissed off about it?

But then I realised Merlin was doing what he always does, putting me first. He didn't tell me because he doesn't want to hurt me. I love him so much for that, but it's just another reason why we can't be together.

I drag Merlin down because he puts my happiness before his own all the time. Yet another example of why I'm bad for Merlin.

My beautiful, sincere, moderately insane Ace.

That's why I'm leaving. The moment he ran out I had to fight the urge to follow after him, I had to use every last bit of strength in me not to beg for his forgiveness and kiss him. Last night made me realise what I've been missing, nothing will ever compare to the feeling of Merlin all around me, and the taste of the inside of his mouth.

I decided only half an hour after Merlin left me that I needed to leave. Not just for Merlin, but for my own sanity as well.

I cannot look at him without wanting him with every fibre of my being. I could just about ignore it before, but now that I know what it's like to have him in my arms, I know I'll never stop wanting it. Wanting** him**.

I've been saving up for a while so have enough money to leave now. The art program I got accepted into doesn't start until September, but the flat me and Merlin were thinking of renting is free. It's a dingy little place, more of an art studio really.

I phoned up the landlord and he said I could move in whenever I wanted. It would be more expensive without Merlin there with me, but fortunately my dad saved up some money for me. I'll need to get a job this year instead of waiting until next year to keep up, but I can manage it.

I know it's cowardly to leave like this. I should stay and at least say goodbye to Merlin. It will crush him if I do it this way. But I know I can't see him and keep a cool head. He'll try and get me to tell him why, he'll argue with me. Merlin may be smaller in size, but hell if he isn't the most stubborn person I've ever met. There's no way he'll just accept me leaving without a fight.

If I leave like this though, hopefully he'll get the message. Both our father's came home only an hour after Merlin left. I told them about my and they said I should talk to Merlin first. I argued that it's my life, and that Merlin will understand. Balinor, Merlin's dad, must have seen the desperation or something in my face, because he stuck up for me and helped convince my father if it was what I wanted,, then he should support me.

I could see the confusion in my own father's eyes, and the almost complete understanding in Balinor's. My father had to go into work for a few hours, when left alone with Balinor and his understanding eyes I almost told him everything. Almost.

Balinor has been such a huge part of my life that he's like my second dad. In fact sometimes I feel more connected to him than my own father, because he's so easy to talk to.

I know how hard it was for him to come out to Merlin's mum, but he did it and that took real courage, I respected him for that.

Just like leaving Merlin is going to take every bit of will power I have inside of me.

Merlin won't get back from work until later in the evening. I know his work schedule by heart. I'd go there randomly just to watch him work, and talk to him in between customers, sometimes for his entire shift, and then we'd go spend the rest of the day together; which I now realise should have been a clue that I'm in love with him.

I'm taking the bus into the city so I can then take the train the rest of the way to Bristol. Right before I leave Balinor asks me what I want them to tell Merlin. I pause at that, and the pain of leaving him rips me open once again.

I have no idea what they should tell him. This is goodbye, for a long time. Not forever though, I don't think I could survive thinking about a lifetime without ever seeing Merlin again, I can barely stomach the idea of a week without him.

Jesus, this is so fucking hard. I love him, I love him.** I. Love. Him.**

_'Tell Jace I love him. Tell him I want him forever. Tell him he's all I think about. Tell him how much this is **killing** me.'_

_**Fuck.**_

"Tell him…..tell him I need to start fresh, that I need to do this by myself" is all I say though, because all the things I want Merlin to know are things that would make him come after me.

As I leave my father looks like he wants desperately to say something to me, but all he does is shake my hand and pat me on the shoulder, the gesture is warm and accepting. Balinor pulls me into a bone crushing hug that causes my dad and me to laugh.

They wanted to come with me to the bus station, but I told them no. I need to let go of Colbie, of Merlin, alone.

When I'm sitting on the bus and it's driving away, I feel my heart go cold, sinking down into the darkness where no one else will ever find it.

...

**_Special shout out to-DarkMetalAngel of Destruction, Momma Midnight and mersan123- Your reviews are amazing and I love you for writing them. Your response to my story make all this damn writers block worth it ;) Please do keep letting me know what you think! xxx_**

**_Right, so, Arthur made a really difficult decision in this chapter, and I hope you all understand why he felt he had to do it, even if you do want to hit him over the head with a rock for leaving Merlin like that. This is the last chapter before the time skip of seven years into the future._**

**_What will bring Arthur and Merlin back together?_**

**_Does Merlin still love Arthur after all that time?_**

**_Will Merlin let Arthur back in?_**

**_How does Arthur feel about Merlin and what is he willing to do to get what he wants?_**

**_Stay tuned for the next chapter my lovely readers xxx_**


	5. The changes

_**I do not own Merlin...so sad ;p xxx**_

Chapter five

**Seven years later...**

**Merlin's P.O.V**

I look down at the wedding invitation. After all these years, they're finally doing it. A small smile tugs at my lips, I'm truly happy for them. Things have changed for me in so many ways over the years, but I still remember those secret kisses I saw as a child.

I knew even then that I was seeing something special, and I was right.

"Sweetie, you keep staring at that thing like it's you who's getting married" Morgana snatches the invitation out of my hand and reads it over again.

I shake my head and run a hand through my close cropped raven hair. I still can't keep it under control most of the time, although Lance says that's because I never stop running my hands through it.

"Leave him alone Mog, it's a big moment when your dad gets remarried to another man. A man who just so happens to be your 'sort of other dad'" drawls Mordred, his tone still has that middle class edge that I'm sure he'll never lose. I hope he doesn't anyway, I've come to love it about him.

Well, there are a lot of things I love about both Morgana and Mordred. We've been living together for over seven years now. Although we're no longer in that box of a place we used to live in when me and Mordred were in University. I'll never forget that tiny flat, those were some good years, stressful in a lot of ways, but still better than I ever could have imagined.

"It's important to me, I can't believe they're getting married next week. In Colbie, on that beach…." My mind drifts back to all those days spent on Colbie beach, the one place that has always truly felt like home.

In the last seven years I have been back in Colbie quite a few times, but never for very long. Being there hits me in the face with memories no matter where I go, all them including _**him. **_

When I went home _that day_ after work, my dad and Uther were sitting there in the kitchen. Uther looked angry, but resigned, and my dad…for a moment I thought someone had died, and I my mind immediately went to Arthur.

They wouldn't tell me at first, and I got frustrated with them. After the day I'd had, what with my heart being ripped to pieces by Arthur, I was already finding it hard not to lose my mind.

Dad told me Arthur had gone to Bristol without me. He didn't say the 'without me' part, but his eyes said it. At first I felt frozen in place, nothing penetrated the wall of numbness that was all around me.

I thought I knew what it felt like to have my heart torn apart, when Arthur told me he didn't want me 'that' way. I didn't think there could be anything worse. I didn't think I could** feel** any worse.

I was so very wrong.

He left me. Arthur went away without me. I couldn't understand why. 17 years of friendship, of best friendship, and I still had no idea why he would do that. If he just wanted alone time then he would have said so. It's not like me and Arthur never spent time apart. We could say anything to each other and know that it wouldn't change anything between us.

At least I thought that was the case.

Apparently admitting that I wanted him as more than just my best friend was too much. My dad and Uther tried to get my attention, I know they did, but I just did not want to hear Arthur's excuses. I knew him too well, if he needed time he would have just said so. It had to be something else. Something that he thought I wouldn't understand.

Every part of me wanted to go after him, the boy I was so deeply in love with that it physically hurt. But something in me wouldn't allow it, more than that, the look in my father's eyes told me I had to let go. My mind rebelled, and my gut screamed at me that I needed to find him, that I needed to hear Arthur say the words, for him to _**say**_ that he did not want me with him to my face.

Crying wouldn't help, although my body felt like it could have crumpled with every breath. I hated him in that moment. I hated him for doing that to me, for leaving me like that. But most of all, I hated him because I knew I would never stop loving the bastard, no matter what he did to me or how much time passed.

Seven years later thoughts of Arthur still make it hard for me to breathe. I haven't seen him in all this time, which is ridiculous really. I don't even know how we've managed it. Neither of us ever moved back home. I know he's visited Colbie, and I know basic information about his life from our dad's.

It's weird really, even for Christmas we haven't ever been home at the same time. It's almost like we're the divorced parents and our dad's are the children, as we almost seem to take it in turns to be with them.

I used to think he did it on purpose. That he made sure to be back in Colbie when I definitely wouldn't be. But now I'm sure it's just my vivid imagination, and that we both just have busy lives.

The day Arthur left was the same day I told my dad and Uther that I was gay, and that I was moving to Ireland for University. I did the same thing I always did when emotional pain got too much, I buried it and created something big to concentrate on. Moving to Ireland, spending time with Morgana and Mordred distracted me most of the time.

It was only at night, when there was no one around and nothing for me to do, that I allowed myself to feel it all. The pain, the hurt, the betrayal, the destruction of my heart and soul; everything.

I still live in Ireland, Morgana and Mordred were right, it is an amazing place. Deciding to move in with them was, in a lot of ways, an easy choice. I thought it was better to move in with them than with complete strangers.

It was probably the best choice I'd ever made. I never would have survived losing Arthur if it hadn't been for them. They put up with my stupid mood swings and never gave up on me. Mordred and Morgana became really close friends, and I now consider them family.

I studied English literature at University, and thought for a while about becoming a teacher. All the while I was writing the novel that would one day be my first best seller. I dreamt of becoming an author when I was a teenager, but I never imagined it would actually happen.

It did though. My literature professor, Gauis Blake, and I became close and he read some of my book, he sent it in to a publisher friend of his. I didn't expect anything to come of it, so when they offered me a deal I couldn't believe it was happening to me.

Now my second book has been published and is being received even better than the first. I was on tour for my first book when I met Lancelot Du Lac.

Until Lance I'd been with a couple of men, but no one long term. I hated that I was still letting Arthur rule my life even from thousands of miles away, no matter how hard I tried to move on.

But the moment I met Lance I knew there was something different about him. Back then I had no idea what was different or why I was so drawn to him. I still can't say I know for sure why he captured my interest more than any man ever had since Arthur.

We've been together for two years now though and no one makes me happier than he does.

So what if a part of me will always belong to Arthur? So what if I still miss him sometimes? So what if he still haunts my dreams often enough? I'm happy with Lance; he gives me more than I deserve, more than I ever could have hoped for.

Everyone has that one person who owned their heart and then smashed it to pieces. I knew seven years ago that I would always love Arthur Pendragon and I was right. But that doesn't mean I have to wallow in it. I have a good life, with amazing friends I trust completely, my dream career and a loyal boyfriend who truly loves me; and now my dad is finally getting married to my 'other dad'.

That's about as perfect as it gets, right?

Nothing can ruin this for me. Not even the knowledge that my dad's wedding will be the first time I've seen Arthur is seven years. I have no plans to avoid him, we've spent far too much time doing that.

This could be our chance to become friends, or at least the chance to learn how to be around each other for our dad's sakes. I want to be able to have a family Christmas, or just visits, where we can both be there. This could be new start for us both.

...

Later that same evening I'm lying in bed with Lance, still looking over the wedding invitation. We leave tomorrow, the wedding is in five days. Mordred and Morgana are invited as well. They've visited with me back home enough times that they really have become part of my family. Lance has only met my dad and Uther a few times, but he's coming as my plus one.

"Baby, I know you're excited, but put the bloody thing down for a minute. We've got an early flight, and you know I can't sleep when you feel so tense next to me" Lance murmurs from beside me, his face pressed into the pillow.

I look down at my lover, my eyes automatically softening. When I first met Lance, he made me so nervous, the man is handsome with his dark chocolate coloured hair, high cheek bones and pale blue eyes.

He's tall at over six foot two, and is very muscled thanks to his daily runs and regular visits to the gym.

Since my teenage years I have filled out quite a bit and have also grown a few inches, but I'm still a couple inches shorter than Lance. Lance's stunningly handsome face is rough thanks to the light stubble that he's allowed to grow.

Lying down and curled up like that makes my lover look younger than he is, and I reach out to run my fingers through his silky dark hair. Lance instinctively leans into my touch, and that makes me smile. He's such a tough guy most of the time that it's rare to catch him in a vulnerable moment; it's those moments that reaffirm my love for him though.

Lance is not Arthur, and the love I feel for him is definitely different, but that does not make it less.

He opens his pale eyes and meets my own still very strange silver ones. In that moment I'm transported back to the very first time our gazes met.

Lance was so confident and sure of who he was and what he wanted. I was practically tripping over my own feet trying not to make an arse out of myself. He seemed so serious back then, but after a few minutes I got him to smile, and that smile took my breath away.

I know he loves me, more than anything else in this world. Lance is an orphan, he was raised in and out of foster homes all through his childhood. But those hard experiences have made him strong and determined to do well in life. He went into the military for a few years, and when he came out he joined the Dublin police. Lance is now a very well respected Sergeant Detective. He's worked like hell to get where he is now.

I see the strength in him every day, and he makes me feel stronger just by being close to me. Lance has very strict moral ideals, and he lives by his own code of honour.

I met him when he questioned me during an investigation. Someone was murdered in a flat close to mine, the circumstances were truly awful , but I am so glad I met Lance that day.

We hit it off, despite my lack of social skill. I was dubious at first obviously, as I'm still not that good at talking to people. But Lance was patient with me, in a way no other man had been before since Arthur.

He didn't push, and he still doesn't. Lance means the world to me and I try hard every day to let him know just how much.

Lance smiles lazily at me and reaches out to pull me down closer to him so that our faces are only inches apart. He doesn't kiss me at first, he just lets our breath mingle and our foreheads press together. My whole body reacts to him.

Lance slides a hand up over my hip and round to my arse, he holds onto me possessively and yanks me closer so that our groins are pressed together.

I groan into his mouth when he steals a hard lingering kiss that leaves us both gasping. Lance slides his tongue into my mouth and kisses me again deeply until I get lost in the feel of him all around me.

"Merlin, oh, I love you, baby" Lance whispers against my lips. I feel the happiness at his words bubble up inside me. I never get tired of him saying that, I don't think I ever will.

"I love you too Lance" I whisper back before Lance steals another meaningful kiss that makes everything in the world feel brighter. I cannot let seeing Arthur ruin this for me, I won't allow it to.

Loving Arthur and losing him almost killed me, I will never let him in like that again, my sanity and the existence of my heart depends on it.

**Arthur's P.O.V**

"What time we leavin' tomorrow?" asks Gwaine. I run a hand through my messy golden hair and lean back against the sofa. We're sitting on the living room floor, boxes of Chinese food scattered around us.

"Around twelve" I answer, reaching out to take another drink from my beer.

"You ready to see 'im?" Gwaine meets my eyes, he obviously already knows the answer but as per usual he's going to get me to fucking say it anyway. Wanker. Man's lucky he's my best mate.

"No. I'm fucking not ready to see him. I'm never going to be ready to see him" I answer honestly. After seven years the thought of seeing Merlin makes me want to punch something, or crawl out of my own skin, or even fucking stab myself so I'll have to concentrate on _**that**_ overwhelming pain instead.

Gwaine sighs and arches a dark eyebrow at me,

"Just don't do anything fucking stupid alright. If you get all weird then I'll have to knock you out again. It's hard for everyone when they see the first person they loved, don't be such a little bitch, man up and deal with it"

I roll my eyes. I've told Gwaine more about my life than anyone else since I left Colbie. Since I left _him_. Merlin. The boy I was so deeply in love with. I have never forgotten that love. It still hurts every damn fucking day, and I hate myself for being so weak.

I've definitely told Gwaine more about me and Merlin than I've ever told anyone else. But he still doesn't quite get it. Merlin wasn't just my first love. He was everything to me. I've gone through a lot of shit to make sure we never saw each other. For seven years I've avoided being in the same place as him even for just a day.

I could never trust myself with Merlin.

At first I did it for the same reason as why I went away to Bristol without him. To protect Merlin. But as time went on I felt worse and worse about what I had done. The first year almost killed me. It was the worst year of my life.

Things got easier when I quit my art program and joined the military. If only because I had something solid to focus on. My training was like being torn apart and then being put back together again in a completely different way.

I'm not the same person I once was. Then again no one stays the same forever. Things change. People change. There's one thing that has not changed though. Not in all these seven years. Every day Merlin is the first thing I think of, and he's last thing I think of before I fall asleep.

I know my father didn't understand my choice to quit on art and become a soldier. But Balinor did, at least he seemed to.

I never realised how much of my art was influenced by Merlin. For months after I left all I could draw or paint was Merlin or my feelings for Merlin, or something that reminded me of Merlin.

It was fucking pathetic.

I met Gwaine during my training and we got sent out on the same tour after that. Since leaving I hadn't connected with anyone. I felt too distraught to care about making new friends or even talking to people in general.

After that I went through a period of feeling nothing at all. I buried my heart so deep down that nothing and no one could reach it. I didn't want to feel anything, it was all too much, too damn fucking painful.

I always knew losing Merlin would be the worse thing that could ever happen to me, and I was definitely right. Even worse than that was the fact that I didn't _lose_ him, I shoved him away by choice. I gave up the one person who always knew what to say, who was always there for me when I needed him to be.

When I met Gwaine, we got on straight away. He was different to anyone else. My standoffish attitude and hot headed nature didn't bother him at all. He took it in his stride and made it his personal mission to help me move past all the shit that was waying me down.

Merlin could have done it in a single night. He could have done it so easily because he knew me inside and out. But I couldn't have Merlin. So Gwaine worked hard to bring me back to life. One day at a time. One smile at a time. One life threatening bullet or bomb at a time.

Since joining the army I've been shot, stabbed and almost pretty much blown up more times than any sane person would put up with. I never thought of myself as the military type. I joined up because it was the only thing I could think of that would take me away from the temptation of going after Merlin.

I was the troubled child of my small town, complete with anger issues and mother issues. Yet somehow I fit in with the other men. Maybe being a bit unstable is an unofficial requirement for becoming a soldier, it definitely was for becoming a Marine.

I like feeing part of something, and the military training definitely had a profound effect on my attitude. It was fucking hard, more difficult and exhausting than I could have ever imagined. But somehow I made it through, by sheer force of will, and with the newly found friendship of Gwaine.

I only have two weeks off before I'm going back. Gwaine is on my team so we have the same amount of down time. I didn't even ask him to come with me to the wedding, he just sort of invited himself, something I am actually grateful for. Having to think about the right or wrongness of that would be too much on top of everything else.

Gwaine and I have spent most every leave we've had, together. Only because he has no family and….I hate going to Colbie. After all this time I cannot call Colbie my home anymore, it just doesn't feel right. The only place I feel connected to there in Colbie is the beach. It smells like Merlin there. Me and Ace on Colbie beach. I could never forget that.

I was definitely right about one other thing though, joining the military did keep me away from Merlin, it kept me focused, and I do not regret a single moment of it.

But I can't escape this wedding. Balinor and my dad would never forgive me if I didn't go; and honestly I want to see them get married, it's bloody important to them, I know it is. Not just the getting married part, but also the coming together as a family thing.

They want Merlin and me to be there together to support them. I know they are hoping for us to work things out. There was a time when I couldn't imagine my life without Merlin. Now I wonder how someone so important to me could fit into my strange existence.

I remember the night Balinor and dad told me they were in love. I'd just come back from my first tour. It was the also the first time I'd been back since…since everything else. I knew something was off right from the start. I can't even say exactly what it was, but there was a nervous air about my dad that I'd never felt before, not from him.

My dad is the confident type. He always knew what to do even if he actually didn't. Balinor balanced him out by being calm and perceptive. He can cool my dad down like no one else. Especially when my mother had been driving him bloody mental, which was most of the time during my childhood.

I knew that Balinor and my dad were closer than most old school friends tended to be. But, then, I was so close to Merlin that I assumed it was the same thing. When I realised the full extent of my feelings for Merlin I should have figured it out about my dad and Balinor.

But I suppose I'd been so wrapped up in my own anguish over Merlin that nothing else penetrated the wall I'd built around myself for a long time. Nothing I'd once thought important had seemed important anymore. That changed eventually, and being told the truth about my dad and Balinor actually helped a lot in that respect.

They told me that night…..

**_,_**** we** have something important to tell you" my dad said, but all I could think about was how wrong it felt to be there without Him. I nodded noncommittally and tried my best to look at least partly interested in what they had to tell me. 

_**I didn't want to be back in Colbie. There were too many memories. The love. The pain. The heartbreak. The soul crushing realisation that I would never feel complete without Him.**_

_**They looked at each other and I barely noticed when Balinor linked his fingers with my dad's. He gave him an encouraging smile and squeezed his hand, my dad's eyes filled with an emotion I'd never seen in them before. Love. Pure, electric, undeniable and all consuming. **_

_**Now, that caught my attention. "Dad, what's going on?" I asked, unsure of how to react. Not wanting to assume anything too quickly, but obviously now having a clue what they wanted to tell me. **_

_**My dad met my gaze, and for the first time there were no barriers shielding me from what he was truly feeling. I probably would have jerked back from such as thing had it not been for Balinor, his own kind and understanding grey eyes made me feel more at ease as they always did.**_

_**My dad sucked in a harsh breath and finally said, "Bal and I…we love each other son. I'm sorry we didn't tell you sooner. I know we should have, but we were still figuring things out ourselves and we didn't want to confuse you, or Merlin". I still flinched at Merlin's name, but other than that I felt…fine.**_

_**In a lot of ways it made sense. The more I thought about it in fact the more it seemed obvious. I should have seen it. I couldn't help but wonder if Merlin had. Did he know about Balinor and my dad? There was no way in hell though that I was going to ask about Merlin, I would have broken all over again if I heard too much about him.**_

"_**I understand dad…I'm glad you've told me…you both deserve to be happy, you really do" I believed that whole heartedly. They had both been through so much over the years. I didn't know if I'd have felt differently before realising my love for Merlin, I hoped not. My dad had obviously been worried about my reaction, and seemed enormously relieved when I told him I was fine with it. **_

_**My dad being gay, at least for Balinor, was not in any way a problem for me by that point in my life. It actually felt right in a weird way for whatever reason, and I truly did want them to be happy together if that's what they both wanted. Balinor had always been like a second father to me, so I had no problem accepting him as my dad's partner and lover. **_

_**The rest of the night had been a lot less tense, and I'd been glad for that. My dad tried to bring up Merlin, but Balinor always made sure to steer away from it, seeming to understand that I wasn't ready to talk about Him. Back then I doubted I ever would be able to talk about Merlin without feeling the loss of him like a physical ache.**_

**Arthur's P.O.V**

Getting Gwaine up before three 'o clock in the afternoon when on leave is like trying to convince a duck to stop bloody quacking; frustrating and pointless. I make quick work of it by yanking the duvet away from his body and then pouring two glasses full of ice cold water on his head and body.

Gwaine is one dangerous motherfucker of a soldier when he's out there with a job to do and death to avoid. But I realised very early on that when back at home he's like a big puppy who squeals little girl style when his skin comes into contact with cold water.

He's also afraid of squirrels. I find the fact that someone as intimidating looking as Gwaine even has a fear of squirrels more amusing than I can say.

When I first found out about it I laughed my arse off for a full half an hour. He punched me in the gut more than once and I kept right on laughing. Gwaine actually has no shame about anything though, he doesn't get embarrassed by anything either, even when he behaves like a complete twat.

As predicted Gwaine practically throws himself out of bed, his cat-like reflexes aiding him in the process.

"You fucker" he growls sleepily as he stands there dripping wet, his close cropped chesnut brown hair a complete mess on top his head.

I barely contain a snicker at my friend's expense. He shakes his head and without another word makes his way into the bathroom.

"We have to leave in an hour Gwaine, get your arse in gear" I call after him. It will take a few hours to get to Colbie and I really don't want to be stuck in traffic just because Gwaine has the sleeping habits of a bloody owl.

I hear the shower turn on and the sounds of Gwaine stumbling all over the place inside the bathroom, he's probably not even fully awake yet. But as long as he's still moving, I don't care. I already had a shower a few hours ago and have been doing some last minute checking that I have everything for the next week.

My military dress clothes are hung up nice and neatly, that's something else the army taught me, how to keep things tidy and functional. Before, as a true artist, I left things all over the bloody place. I even liked the mess. No one understood that. No one except Merlin. He'd joke about it all the time, teasing me in a way no one else ever did, or I would have allowed if I'm being honest.

At school most people were afraid of me and I can't blame them. I was an angry fucker for a long time, even more so when my mum left. I wasn't angry that she was gone exactly, in fact I'd wished for that very thing many times as a child, after the beatings.

The truth is, I was pissed that she got away so easily. My mother got to escape and start over, she could be anyone she wanted to be. Yet there I was, left behind in Colbie to deal with everything, I had no choice but to get on with my life and put up with all the bullshit she left behind.

Merlin was the only thing in my life for a long time that I felt was worth staying for. He made things better, even without meaning to sometimes.

Leaving Colbie was meant to give me that new start I'd craved for years. I wanted the ability to be judged on the man I was becoming and not the boy I once was. In a lot of ways, I was successful in that. I am not the same person, and for the most part that is a good thing.

I know without even checking that Gwaine's stuff is a mess. Apparently outside the military environment Gwaine is still a messy teenager. It's kind of endearing in a weird way.

I pause when I come across a book. A book I recognise very well. It's _**His**_ book. When Balinor and my dad first told me about it I felt prouder than I can ever remember feeling. I always knew Merlin would be an author one day, he never believed me, but I knew it.

Balinor offered to give me a copy, but I refused. I wanted to buy my own, to show my support even though Merlin wouldn't know about it. I still buy one whenever I see it. I even pre-ordered his second. It's like I still have a connection to Merlin through his writing, even if it is only one sided.

I wanted to call him. Hell, I wanted to fly over to Ireland and congratulate him. But I couldn't do that and I hated myself for it. Merlin always loved books, he got a load of shit for it at school, but he didn't care. Whether Merlin knew it or not, he was incredibly brave, he didn't care what people thought of him and he did whatever the fuck he wanted.

I loved him for that. He was his own person no matter what anyone said and to everyone else it seemed like he didn't need or want anyone. I knew that wasn't completely true. Merlin was strong enough that he didn't need anyone, but he did want someone. He wanted me. That was the difference between us, the dynamics of our friendship.

Merlin wanted me, and I needed him.

I don't think he knew that, I hid it well. Balinor knows, he said as much when we talked over the phone about us both being there at the wedding. He said _'You always push away the things you need Arthur, and Merlin lets go of the things he knows he wants. One day you're both going to have to be brave enough to fight for it'_.

As for what 'it' is, I have no idea. I didn't ask because I wasn't sure if I'd like the answer he would have given me.

Gwaine is finally ready to leave after two hours of me following him around to make sure he doesn't get distracted. He's lost in his own fucking world most of the time. How he manages to concentrate out on tour I have no fucking clue. He must store all of it up whilst away and then go on leave and let the madness fly loose.

I'd have killed him by now if he wasn't such a good mate.

"Get in the fucking car Gwaine" I shout at him as he starts fiddling with something by the boot. I have half a mind to start the bloody car in reverse and run him over with it. He gives me the two fingered mock salute through the back window and slams the boot shut.

He slides into the passenger seat and rolls his dark brown eyes at me, the gold flecks in his eyes seem to spark with glee. Gwaine loves to piss me off. He finds it extremely amusing for whatever reason. He won't find it so funny when I kill him.

Gwaine winks at me and says,

"Alright, alright, keep your bleedin' hair on mate". Arrogant fucker.

Gwaine is one of those people who's handsome and knows it; in fact he uses it at every opportunity. Merlin used to say that to me though all the time, but I never fully realised how annoying it must have been for him until I met Gwaine. It's not like he's an arsehole, he's just an outrageous flirt.

"What did you put in the boot Gwaine?" I ask suspiciously as I start driving. Gwaine just smirks at me lazily and says nothing. I decide to let it drop for now, his answer would likely give me nightmares or make me want to run him over again. Neither of which would be at all helpful.

It would be fun for me though.

I'm nervous as fuck about seeing Merlin; maybe having Gwaine along will distract me enough that I won't lose my shit.

Yeah, right, even I don't believe that.

...

_**Shout out to-mersan123- I loved your review, thanks so much. And there's nothing really between Morgana and Mordred because Mordred is gay. but Mordred will get involved with a certain other character. As possibly will Morgana, we'll see how it goes ;) xxx**_

_**Give me feed back my peoples, I need to know if you like this fic and want me to continue with it! xxx**_


	6. The return

_**I do not own Merlin...which is upsetting for everyone I'm sure ;) xxx**_

Chapter six

**Merlin's P.O.V**

We get a taxi from the airport to the train station. We'll be taking another taxi bus from the nearest train station to Colbie, which will (bloody hopefully) take us home. My dad and Uther offered to pick us up, but I convinced them it wouldn't make sense for them to drive two cars up for just one extra person. I also know they have a lot on their plate at the moment, what with work and trying to get their wedding together in time.

I don't want them to have any extra stress right now. That is why I have officially decided to be completely alright with seeing Arthur again after all this time. There really isn't any reason for us not to get along. It should all be water under the bridge by now. Also, as Mordred pointed out, I haven't told Lance about Arthur.

Alright, I have, but just that we were once very close friends and that we grew up together. He obviously knows that my dad is marrying Arthur's dad, but he does not know I was in love with Arthur. He doesn't know how broken to pieces I was after he left me either, and I never want him to. I mean, he knew I was upset about **_something_** from my past, but never exactly what.

Morgana has told me, ranted is probably the better word actually, time and time again that I should tell Lance about how I feel-_felt _for Arthur. But I really didn't see the point, and I still don't. There was never a time when I wanted to tell Lance about Arthur. I'd been worried that it would scare him off when we first got together, and now I know it will upset Lance and make him feel uncomfortable this week.

I couldn't blame him if he did. I mean, I feel uncomfortable already, and I haven't even **_seen_** Arthur yet.

So, all around it's just better if Lance doesn't know about how stupid and naive I'd once been about my love for Arthur. It isn't like he has anything to worry about really. Arthur made his feelings very clear when he left, and then avoided me for seven years. I don't want him in my life in that way anymore.

But if we could find a way to be friends, not like before, never like before, then I think it would make our parents happy. And that's what this week is all about, our dad's love and happiness. There is nothing else that is more important to me. I cannot let any unneeded drama get in the way of this.

Once we all pile into the taxi bus that will drive us to the house, Lance takes my hand in his and twines our fingers together. I look up into his handsome face, his dark hair is messily styled and I reach up play with the loose strands absently. Lance smiles, his pale blue eyes shining, and I smile right back. He leans down to steal a kiss and I close my eyes, still smiling as his mouth comes down over mine.

"Oi, you two, be_have_. No groping on the way" Morgana warns teasingly. I kiss Lance harder and she throws a pen from her bag at me. I break away from Lance laughing. Lance smiles fondly down at me. I feel another wave of love wash through my body. I love Lance, I really do.

It takes a good hour and a half to get into Colbie, it really is the kind of place you stumble upon by accident. In some ways I have missed it though.

The closer we get, the more nervous I begin to feel about seeing Arthur. I keep telling myself I shouldn't care, but trying to control my emotions when it comes to Arthur is, and always has been, a battle I just can't win. Morgana keeps giving me 'the look', I remember it from all those years ago when I saw her on the beach when I ran away from Arthur's house the day after the party. The night that changed everything.

Morgana gave me that look then, and she's still giving it to me, it's the 'I know shit's more complicated than you're letting on'. She is right. Thinking about being back in Colbie with Arthur is a lot harder than I'd ever want to admit. Most of all because it makes me such a bloody idiot to still be carrying a torch for someone who isn't even an technically an ex.

Mordred, bless him, keeps on trying to distract me and keep the tone light so that I won't think too much. It's funny really because Mordred over-thinks _everything, _he drives both Morgana and me bonkers sometimes.

He just needs time to digest things, he has to sort through all the variables before he can decide on something. I think it's endearing, even when he takes fucking forever to choose what to eat at a restaurant. Mordred's completely mental in his own way.

Soon enough we're getting out of the taxi bus and hauling our bags out with us.

We're staying for a whole week, so we had to pack pretty much everything. It's not like we can just hop back on a plane and go grab something if we need it. Funnily enough it's Morgana who brought the least stuff. She complained about the size of our bags, cracking jokes about us all acting like women on a girly holiday.

Then of course Mordred started in with the gay penguin analogies (you don't wanna know, trust me). Even Lance, who is usually so serious most of the time, joined in with the joke by saying famous quotes about woman and packing. The man is a walking-talking wiki page of quotes, I swear. He knows quotes about everything. It's a quirk of his that I've come to really like.

My dad comes out of the front door just as we've managed to make it through the front gate. He comes straight up to me and pulls me into a tight hug. If there's one thing I have really missed about Colbie, then it's my dad.

It's funny really because when I was younger people would say I was a lot like my dad. But I always thought him and Arthur were a lot more alike. He was practically co-raised by my dad so I suppose it would make sense that he has developed some of his traits.

Arthur's dad was never a very emotional man, but he was always there if Arthur or I needed him. We shared the same love of books and would discuss them often. I've missed that too.

Utehr was very proud of me when my first book got published, I'd never seen him look so emotional as when I told him about it. He must have bought at least ten copies of my book. It made me feel good that **_both_** my dad's were proud of me, because by that point I'd begun to think of them that way.

They came out and told me they were in love the first Christmas I came back from Ireland. Obviously it wasn't much of a shock, but I didn't tell them that. I wouldn't have wanted to ruin their view of themselves as stealthy secret lovers. Something they were obviously somewhat proud of for whatever reason.

I really don't need to know what sex games they played, or about them having sex at all. As far as I'm concerned, they never have and never will. Mordred likes to tease me relentlessly about it all the bloody time, until I get so pissed off that I hit him. Because, sometimes, people just need a high five. In the face. With a fist. Or a chair. Sometimes a chair is best, because then there's no physical evidence.

We eventually manage to get ourselves into the house. My dad hugs Mordred and Morgana, even Lance. It was tense when I introduced Lance to my dad and Uther. I honestly don't know why. They weren't nasty or anything like that.

It was just like they didn't feel comfortable with Lance and me being together. By the end of the visit things were better though, and every other time we've come to see them the awkwardness hasn't shown as much.

Uther comes out of the kitchen to give me a one armed hug as we move into the living room. He shakes Lance and Mordred's hand and kisses Morgana on the cheek. Morgana had quite a bit of a crush on him when they first met, and even now she gets all embarrassed around him. It's cute in a weird kind of way.

We won't be staying here for the week. We will be staying at Colbie's only hotel. Well, it's more of a B&B, but I know the woman who owns it. My dad said we didn't have to considering that there are two extra rooms. But with Arthur coming to stay, I felt…I just can't stay in the same house as him.

The thought of Arthur sleeping here with only a wall between us would make it impossible for me to sleep at all. We used to sleep in this house all the time, it became my home when my parents got divorced and dad came to live here.

My mother left years ago. I went to see her one day and she was just _gone_. I have no idea where she is or if she's even alive. Part of me wonders about it every day. When she first left I wanted so badly to talk to Arthur. He would be the only person who could understand how I felt.

Other people just didn't get it. She was an awful mother in a lot of ways. But she was still my mum. I still loved her. When Arthur's mum left when he was fourteen, he was hurt. More hurt than he let anybody else see. I know because it was me he confided in. It was always me.

I wanted to confide in him, the urge was so strong that I wrote a letter and was going to ask my dad and Uther to send it to him.

But then I thought about how he left me. I thought maybe he wouldn't care. That he might feel awkward talking to me even through letters, and his response could have ruined what I had left of us. Or worse, what if he didn't reply at all. I don't think my heart could have handled that. So, I dealt with it on my own. Mordred and Morgana helped, in their own ways, and I will never be able to repay them for all the things they have done for me over the years.

We sit around in the living room just talking, mainly about the wedding. Apparently they're a pain in the arse to plan and sort out even if you're going simple. I'm really glad they are getting married on Colbie beach. For some reason it feels right.

After a couple of hours I say we'll go drop our stuff off at the hotel and then come back for dinner. Arthur should be here by then and I honestly don't want to be here when he first arrives. I wouldn't know what to say or what to do. Even introducing Lance is going to be strange. I hope that it's just me and that he'll actually be fine with everything.

Arthur isn't the type to hold grudges or stew over things for long, so I'm most likely worrying for nothing. It's not like he has anything to be pissed about anyway. Arthur was the one who left. Me. Alone. **_Not_** the other way around.

The thought is depressing, and I have to keep forcing myself to shake it off. I think my dad understands how difficult seeing Arthur will be for me because he doesn't make any fuss about it. Uther has already told me casually that Arthur is bringing a friend from the army.

When I first found out Arthur had joined the military, it was the one time when I very almost went after him. I had to know why. Or I thought I did at the time. I couldn't stand it if something awful happened and he died without knowing how much I loved him, even if he didn't want to know it.

I went to Bristol a few days before he was meant to leave and stood outside his building for hours. I just…I felt lost and unwanted. I should have called first. I should have gone after him the moment my dad and Uther told me he'd gone to Bristol without me. There are so many things I should have done, they washed over me in waves as I stood there outside his building.

I thought he would hate me for coming now and saying all the things I wanted to say. It was the reason he left me in the first place. Arthur didn't want me around him, he'd made that clear.

So in the end, I turned around and went back to the airport and got the first flight back to Ireland.

Uther drives us to the B&B with all our bags, Morgana had to sit on our laps to fit.

Uther tells me that we can come back around six for dinner, or earlier if we want to. When Mordred, Morgana and Lance are out of earshot, Uther grips my arm and leans in close to whisper,

"Don't let the past ruin your future Merlin. Sometimes things come around more than once for a reason. Second chances aren't just in books, son. Remember that"

Before I can even attempt to answer him he gets back in the car and drives away. I have no clue what he meant by that. Maybe he was telling me to not let my past with Arthur fuck with my future. But then what did he mean by second chances? Does he mean my friendship with Arthur? I know they want us to get along and for us to be a family again.

I run a frustrated hand through my messy blak hair and sigh heavily. Getting through this next week just might kill me if it's always going to be this confusing.

Lance comes up behind me then and wraps his arms around my wait. He kisses my neck and I lean back into him. The feeling of being held is pleasant and my body begins to wind down even though my mind is still wide awake and spinning madly.

After a few minutes we follow after Mordred and Morgana. The rooms are nice and we all decide to sleep for a few hours. It was a short flight, but I still feel knackered. If I'm going to not lose it in front of Arthur, then I'll need to be as well rested as possible.

Although as soon as the door is closed Lance attacks my mouth and I happily let him. We end up naked and fucking in the well made bed. I allow Lance to distract me from thinking about Arthur. It is only partially successful as Arthur keeps popping up in my mind. I can't seem to stop comparing Lance with Arthur the whole time.

Not looks-wise really, more how Lance makes me feel compared to how Arthur did. It isn't really a fair comparison as kissing Arthur was….earth shattering in the way only kissing your first love _**can **_be.

I love Lance. I really do. I do.

Arthur is part of my past and I need to let him go. Maybe seeing him will _help_ me let go.

Maybe.

**Arthur's P.O.V**

We get to Colbie a little later than I planned-_thank you Gwaine_-and I can barely breathe as I park outside the house. Will Merlin be in there? I know he's coming today. From the moment my dad and Balinor told me they were getting married and I knew I'd have to see Merlin, I have been using every bit of willpower I possess just trying not to think too much about it.

But now I'm here it's impossible to think of anything else. What do I say to Merlin? I haven't seen him even **_once_ **in seven sodding years. Will he be pissed still that I left? Do I want him to be pissed? I can't stand the thought of him not caring, of him treating me with indifference, even though I know that would be best for both of us.

Gwaine practically leaps out of the car, the insane fucker. He hates sitting still, especially when he's inside something that's moving. Once I asked him why and he made me regret asking that question by answering, _"Because it's like the car is taunting me with its ability to move whilst I have to sit in the same place". _I don't ask him questions anymore.

He rushes to open the boot and grab our bags before I'm even out of the car. I sigh and let him do as he likes, it's easier that way for everyone involved. Gwaine opens the gate and walks up to the front door carrying both our bags. I take out our dress military clothes from the back and follow after him.

Gwaine is already being let in when I get there and Balinor gives both Gwaine and me a hard hug. My dad comes out of the living room and pats us both on the back, which is pretty much as sentimental as he gets. Weirded me out the first time he did it actually. I even flinched like an idiot. Not that I ever thought my dad would hit me for real, no, that was my mother's forte.

I know my dad feels guilty for everything that happened with my mum, the stuff he knows about anyway. I never told him everything. It would have just upset him even though he wouldn't have let me see him upset. I told Merlin instead. Merlin didn't tell anyone, and I knew he understood.

When I heard that Merlin's mother had left Colbie, I couldn't help but feel relieved. At least with her gone she couldn't hurt Merlin anymore. But I also knew Merlin wouldn't see it that way. I know he would never compare what I went through with what he did. The truth is his mother hurt him as much as mine did me. Just because the pain wasn't physical doesn't make it any less.

Balinor got us to drop our stuff off upstairs, we'd be staying here for the week. Gwaine starts talking with my dad and Balinor like he's known them forever. To be fair I've brought him with me every time I've visited Colbie since our first leave. They treat him like the other son they never knew they had. Its sweet I suppose, and at least Gwaine takes most of the heat off me.

We all sit in the living room and I realise Merlin isn't here. I let go of the grateful breath that I've been holding in. For some reason I think I knew he wasn't here already, as I would have felt him if he were here. That thought is insane and ridiculous. I haven't thought like that since I was a teenager. Back when mine and Merlin's connection seemed stronger than anything else in the world.

The four of us talk for a while and then Balinor gets up to start dinner. Dad says he has some work to finish off before tea so me and Gwaine go upstairs to unpack a bit and rest before…before Merlin comes.

Gwaine follows me into my old room instead of going to his, the guest bedroom/Merlin's old room. He falls down lazily onto the bed. I roll my eyes at him and start to take things out of my bag and put them in drawers. I didn't bring much because I don't need much, but I still like to pack away my things into my room because this still feels like it's my room. I don't want to feel like a visitor in my own home.

I know Gwaine is staring at me, and I try my best to ignore him, even though I also know he won't take the hint. He never does, which is the reason we are so close now. It's not long before Gwaine asks,

"Are you losing your shit on the inside, mate?"

I clench and unclench my fists and then turn to face Gwaine. I move to flop down onto the bed next to him. We both lean against the wall and suddenly I'm reminded of all the sleepovers Merlin and I had. I loved those nights with Merlin, they were one of the only reasons I survived my childhood.

Merlin was my light in the dark, my safe place, my everything.

Now I wonder if I ever meant that much to him. I think it would break me if I found out I didn't, that it was all in my head and that I wasn't as important to Merlin. At least not in the way he was important to me.

I sigh heavily and look right at Gwaine, his deep eyes staring right back at me. Gwaine has never once judged me, even after everything I've told him. Don't get me wrong, he's told me I was a fucking moron for running away from Merlin loads of times, but he never judged me for it.

That's the kind of man Gwaine is, he's fucking insane, but he's also the best man you could ever hope to meet, because he never gives up on you, even when you've given up on yourself.

"Yeah, I'm losing my shit. Does it show?" I answer honestly.

Gwaine arches a dark eyebrow at me and thinks about it for a long moment before answering,

"Nah…well, depends on how well someone knows you. I can tell, because I know what you're like. But anybody else probably wouldn't know"

Depends on how well someone knows me. Excellent. Not like Merlin knows me at all. Fuck.

"I'm fucked Lucky" I run my hands through my black curls in frustration, even after all these years Merlin still has the power to break me without even trying.

"I know Pendragon. Just remember what I said, man the fuck up, or let it go, alright" Gwaine replies with a knowing look my way.

Yeah, I know. But how do you let go of the love of your life?

**Merlin's P.O.V**

After Lance falls asleep I go and knock on Morgana's door. She yells that the door is open. Morgana is led on the bed watching TV, so I go and flop down next to her. She doesn't take her eyes off of the TV.

"Why did you yell that the door was open? I could have been anyone, you could have died just then" I say and poke her in the stomach.

Morgana rolls her eyes at me,

"No I wouldn't, I have ninja skills, you know that"

"Right, right" I nod in agreement, "What if they also had ninja skills?"

Morgana sighs and looks at me, amusement dancing in her bright green eyes,

"Then there would have been a battle to the death between us with me coming out as the victor. Because I _always_ win, as I have the ultimate ninja skill set"

There is a pause and then I throw myself on top of her. She fights back and I let her pin me beneath her for a few moments before spinning us easily and pinning her back down. We're laughing as we fight like five year olds on a bouncy castle.

Eventually she knocks me hard over the head and shouts,

"Get off Merls, I'm trying to watch something vair, viar important you twat"

I release Morgana and lay down next to her again. Her gaze is fixed back on the TV and I ask,

"What are you watching?"

"The Vampire diaries" she answers, eyes still on the screen

"The what?"

"The vampire diaries stupid"

"What the hell is that?"

"You cannot be serious…." She looks over at me with slitted eyes, "the vampire diaries is a show about vampires"

"Do the vampires have diaries?" I ask

"No…well Stefan has a journal but-"

"Then why is it called the vampire diaries if none of the vampires have diaries?"

"Elena has a diary"

"Who the fuck is Elena?"

"She's a human girl who-"

"So she isn't a vampire?"

"No she isn't-"

"Then why isn't the show called, 'The Elena diaries'?"

"Because the show has a lot of vampires in it"

"So, Hollyoaks has a lot of idiots in it, that doesn't mean they should call the show 'Moronsville'"

"Shhhh"

"Did you just 'ssshhh' me?"

"Shhhh"

"Stop ssshhhh-ing me"

"Shut up" Morgana pinches my arm.

"**Fine**, you don't have to be so **_rude _**about it" I wait a good few minutes before pointing at the screen and asking "so who's that?"

"That's Tyler, he's a werewolf"

"I thought you said this show was about vampires"

"It _is_"

"Then why is there a werewolf?"

"Because the show has werewolves in it too"

"Why isn't it called 'The Werewolf and Vampire diaries' then?"

"SHUT UP MERLIN!" she yells into my ear. I crack up laughing and she starts hitting me with a pillow.

"I'm just going by your logic Mog" I get out between bursts of laughter. She keeps on hitting me and we end up having the most ridiculous pillow fight in the history of human kind pillow fights.

When Mordred comes in, Morgan and I share an evil look and start hitting him with our pillows. Mordred rushes to get his own pillow and an all out pillow war ensues. I can't say living with Mordred and Morgana has ever been boring.

I think I needed that actually. For a while I even half forgot about the impending doom of seeing Arthur.

But he's never far from my mind, and that still scares me.

I shouldn't care, but I do.

I shouldn't still want him just a little bit, but I do.

I shouldn't love him….but I think I do.

I don't think I ever stopped.

Well fuck a duck then.

**_(Just thought I'd put some fun into it before the serious reunification bit x) _**

**Arthur's P.O.V**

A few hours later, Gwaine and I are setting up the table for eight people. Apparently Merlin is bringing his entire fucking Irish family to this wedding. I know that Merlin went to live with two people he met whilst still in Colbie.

For a long time I tried to work out who. Merlin can't have known them very long, Colbie is too small a town for two new comers to be kept secret. Besides, Merlin would have told me about them.

Unless Merlin was keeping secrets from me back then. Well, more than the secret about his attraction to me. I hate to think that we weren't actually as close as I thought we were. I would have done anything for Merlin, I know that despite everything I **still** would. I don't know what that says about me, but it can't be good.

When we hear a key being used at the front door, I know it's him, and I start to internally freak the fuck out. Like a fucking teenage girl. I hate the effect Merlin has on me, and yet I've missed the feelings so much. I felt that way all the time with Merlin, I just never realised it wasn't just in a 'friend' way until _that_ _night_.

Everything about that night is burned into my memory. I still remember how amazing it felt to finally give in to what I now freely admit I wanted for such a long time. I craved Merlin, and there's a part of me that still does.

Balinor calls out,

"We're in the dining room Merlin"

**_Merlin_**

Gwaine places a hand on my arm. I think it's meant to be reassuring. But all I can think of right is the fact that I'm about to see **_him_**. For the first time in seven years. Here. Now.

**_Ace_**

He walks in then, and the moment he see's me, we both freeze. It's like time no longer exists. No one else exists. There is nothing but Merlin and Arthur. Prince and Ace. Me. Him. Them. _Us_.

"Jesus fucking Christ" I practically choke out the words.

**_Ace_**

My eyes rake all over him, taking in every detail. Merlin is so fucking beautiful. Even now that he has become a man. His raven black hair is shorter, but it still looks like he's been running his hands through it all day.

Merlin is definitely taller, but still a few inches below my height of 6,5. His youngish face has become more refined, and is now less beautiful and more handsome. His skin is pale and perfect. He is much broader than he was at the age of seventeen.

But none of those things register as much as his eyes. They are still massive and the strangest colour of liquid silver. I had almost forgotten how extraordinary they are. There is no one of this earth with eyes like Merlin's. They're like two bright shining moons.

More than just the colour though, is the same inner confidence and kindness that I tried to capture in every drawing or painting I ever attempted of Merlin.

"Bloody hell" Gwaine states, quite loudly from my side.

Merlin is staring right back at me, his gaze locking with mine and holding on with the same bold intensity of seven years ago.

"Prince" Merlin whispers.

I shiver at is use of my nickname. No one else has ever called me that. I wouldn't let anyone else call me that.

"Ace" I breathe.

Others have entered the room, but I cannot look away from Merlin. It's so hard for me not to touch him. Every part of me wants to.

I never truly realised how much I missed him until this moment.

**_Merlin fucking Emrys._**

**_My_** **Ace.**

And I can see it, in his eyes. I can still read him so well. He feels something for me still.

Something.

Then suddenly someone is clearing their throat and I'm slammed back into the real world where my dad's, Gwaine and three strangers are looking between me and Merlin with a different range of emotions on their faces.

"Dinner should be ready soon, so feel free to sit down and I'll bring it in" Balinor says, his tone light, but also somehow quite commanding.

My gaze darts away from Merlin's in response, and I look back at Gwaine who is holding what appears to be intense eye contact with one of Merlin's friends.

Merlin takes in a very visible calming breath and then says,

"Lance, Mordred, Morgana, this is Prin-Arthur" no other explanation seems needed so obviously Merlin has told them of my existence.

I wonder what he told them about me.

I clench and unclench my hands for a few moments before stepping forward and gesturing to Gwaine,

"This is my friend Gwaine"

Gwaine mock huffs behind him and says,

"_Downgraded_. **Best** friend I think you'll find is the correct term. _Only_ friend really. Man's a bit of a loner, he's lucky I'm annoying enough that I can't be picky about friend's"

I don't know whether to smack him or to thank him. Everyone laughs and Gwaine turns his charming smile on full.

"It's nice to meet you all. Ignore him" I gesture at Gwaine "he's only out on day release"

"Yeah, I have a finger painting session tomorrow morning that I can't possibly miss" Gwaine says sarcastically.

There are two other men and a woman. The woman looks vaguely familiar but I can't place her yet. She smiles at me though and holds out her hand. I take it, her grip is surprisingly strong. I shake the hand of the other two men as well.

One of them is quite tall and almost impossibly handsome and refined, with his dark brown hair and pale blue eyes. I'm not sure, but I think he's ex-military. The other man is also very attractive, but in a different more 'clever-rich-boy-next-door' way, he has startling amber eyes and a mess of dark curls on his head.

Gwaine steps forward and holds his hand out to Merlin, his charming smile getting wider by the second. Merlin stares at Gwaine's hand like it might bite him, but eventually he takes it.

Gwaine suddenly pulls Merlin forward and whispers something into his ear. I frown when Merlin pulls back laughing.

Merlin whispers something back and they both laugh like they've been friends forever. With Gwaine people either hate him or they love him, there is no inbetween. Gwaine winks at Merlin and Merlin smiles humourously in response.

I send my friend a hard look, which of course he ignores, as per usual. He just smirks easily, knowing full well how annoyed I'm getting.

"Sit down everyone" my dad says encouragingly.

I notice that the man who was introduced to me as Mordred is staring quite openly at Gwaine, attraction sparking in his amber eyes. Gwaine seems to notice, and instead of ignoring it, he moves closer to Mordred and lets his hand brush over the other man's hand.

Mordred appears to shiver, actually full on shiver. I resist the urge to roll my eyes and thwack Gwaine over the head. Gwaine is not gay, not that I'd have a problem if he was, but he's never shown any interest in other men since I met him.

I can only assume he's playing with Mordred, which is the type of thing Mordred would do to amuse himself. Not because he's mean or anything, Mordred just doesn't take himself or anyone else too seriously, it's his best and most irritating quality depending on the situation.

Everyone goes to sit at the table, my eyes stay fixed on Merlin the whole time. He moves more confidently now than he used to, there seems to be less chance of his old clumsiness.

I remember the amount of times Merlin would fall over or drop something in a day, hell in just an hour. It was a long running joke between us that because we had been born so close together that I was born with both my own and Merlin's balance ability.

Once everyone is seated, me next to Gwaine and my father, with Merlin in the seat directly opposite me, Balinor brings in the food. Gwaine has Mordred on his other side and they immediately strike up a conversation about something. But my focus is solely on Merlin.

His attention also seems to be on me, although he's a lot more discreet about it. I don't know why he feels the need to hide the obvious history we share. Not until half way through the meal when the dark haired Adonis that is Lance reaches over to intertwine his fingers with Merlin's.

My heart twists painfully as Merlin turns away from me and smiles warmly at Lance. His face filled with love and happiness. I look down and clench my hands into tight fists. I press my nails into my hand so hard that I break the skin and blood leaks out.

When I look up I realise I'm being watched. Everyone else is carrying on with normal conversation, but the woman, Morgana, is looking right at me. Her expression is one of complete understanding, and suddenly it's all too much.

Seeing Merlin. Seeing him with _someone else_. Watching _someone else_ touch Merlin the way I want to so badly that it fucking hurts to even look at him. Too. Fucking. Much.

I stand up abruptly from the table and say that I need some fresh air. I practically run away from the table before anyone can ask me what's wrong or if I need anything. All I need is to be as far away as possible right now.

No, what I need is a fucking time machine so I can go back and not leave Merlin the way I did. Go back so I can man up and tell him I am so very much in love with him. Go back and make sure that I never have to see anyone touch Merlin like that, so I never have to see Merlin look at anyone other than me that way.

It's selfish as hell, but I want it _so badly_ right now.

I make my way outside and then carry on walking. It's dark out now, but the street lights and the moon are good enough for me. I walk all the way to the beach without even realising it.

Once I'm standing here on the beach, I feel a bit stupid. Balinor and my dad are probably worried about me. Gwaine too, although he'll be the first to make a kidnapped/ he's dead joke.

I sit down on a big rock near the caves and allow my mind to drift for a while. It only feels like a few minutes, but it must have been much longer because suddenly I hear the words,

"You know, in some ways, this is kind of ironic"

It's a woman's voice. I sit up startled that I've allowed myself to be crept up on, some SAS Marine I am then.

I turn my head to see that it's Morgana. I didn't really look at her that much before, but now I'm away from Merlin and my mind is clearer, I see that she is very beautiful. Her smile is kind, her expression one of non-judgement, which is the main reason why I reply,

"Why is it ironic?"

Morgana comes closer and sits down next to me before answering,

"Because seven years ago, I found Merlin on this beach, in this very spot actually, and he told me he'd just admitted to his best friend that he wanted to be with him and that he had been rejected, quite harshly by the sound of it"

I almost fall off the bloody rock, I stare at her for a full minute before asking,

"Did he say who it was?"

I'd rather know how much she knows about me and Merlin before I say anything too personal. Morgana looks me dead in the eye and says,

"He didn't have to. I already knew. In fact I knew something he didn't know about his best friend"

I frown slightly, question after question popping into my head, but I lead with the most important one,

"What did you know?"

Morgana gives me a meaningful look and replies simply,

"That his best friend was in love with him and didn't know what the fuck to do about it"

I jerk back in shock at her words, even if they are ridiculously true. For a long time we both just sit there, listening to the crashing waves. I rub my jaw, it's covered in dark stubble as I haven't shaved today, and think over what Morgana has just said.

She's right, I know now that I was hopelessly in love with Merlin. He was the center of my entire universe, I put him before everything and he did the same for me. Sometimes I don't even know why I went so long without breaking down and showing Merlin what I wanted, and needed. I had plenty of opportunities.

In the end I guess I was just scared of fucking things up, of being hurt. Because having Merlin reject me would have hurt like a son of a bitch. It hurts now, which isn't fair because it's been seven years.

Merlin has every right to move on, especially considering the fact that I was the one who left him, not the other way around. It was my choice. I was the coward who chose to run instead of stay and fight for what I desperately wanted.

I force myself to meet Morgana's eye, there are so many things I want to ask her about Merlin, but I decide on a safer question first,

"How did you meet Ace-_Merlin_ I mean?"

It's something that has been turning over and over in my head since the moment I found out Merlin had gone to live with Morgana and Mordred. I felt like I'd been shut out of a part of Merlin's life somehow. He'd never had many friends, but Merlin didn't care about that. Merlin was confident in who he was and wouldn't change for anyone. I loved that about him.

Morgana narrows her eyes at me, as if she knows that isn't what I really wanted to ask, but she answers anyway,

"I was the girl he fucked that night"

I don't have to ask what night she means. Her answer was blunt and unembarrassed, she seems not to care what I think. I'm starting to see why Merlin likes her. Morgana is exactly the kind of person Merlin would be drawn to.

Before I can say anything else Morgana continues,

"Now, I can give you a recount of how Merlin and I became friends and everything that came after that. But I think there are other things you would rather talk about"

Morgana gives me a pointed look and I lean back on the rock, my mind working over time to come up with the right question. Finally I ask,

"Did Merlin…did he ever talk about me?"

She raises a pale eye brow at me. Morgana seems a bit shocked that I would ask her that question,

"What is it you want to hear Arthur? That he never stopped talking about you? That he was a depressed for months, fucking years, because you left him? Do you want to hear how much you destroyed Merlin by making him think you didn't give a shit about him?"

I feel like I'm being stabbed in the heart with every word. Causing Merlin pain is the last thing I wanted. Leaving him was meant to prevent that. But I know that it was selfish of me.

I should have at least explained myself to Merlin, I should have let him know it wasn't his fault, that I was the one who would fuck us up. I couldn't drag him down with me though, and if I'd seen him that day I never would have left.

I shake my head and let out a shaky breath,

"No, I never wanted to hurt Merlin. He was everything to me.**_ Ev-ery-thing_**"

Morgana had gotten quite worked up, but as I lift my eyes to meet hers she seem to be quite calm again.

"Then why did you leave him alone?" she asks, her big eyes boring into me with an intensity that makes me feel intensely uncomfortable. Although I suppose that's the point.

I close my eyes for several moments, trying to get my breathing under control. I can barely get the words out when I say,

"Because he deserves so much better than me. Merlin is kind, and funny and genuine and so fucking beautiful inside and out….I couldn't….I would not allow him to settle for someone who was as fucked up as me"

Morgana sighs heavily in thought and doesn't say anything for a good few minutes. But then she whispers,

"You're right, Merlin is an unbelievably amazing person, the best I know. But you're wrong about what he deserves"

I look at her in confusion,

"What do you mean?"

Morgana smiles sadly at me,

"Merlin **_deserves _**to be happy. He deserves to be loved by someone who he loves him back more than anything else in this world. He deserves someone who loves him completely, and who will always put him first. He deserves someone who is brave enough to stand by him even when things are hard as all hell. Merlin deserves to be with the man he is in love with, who he has always been in love with. So, the only thing you have to decide is, are you willing to do anything it takes to prove to him that you are that man?"

For a moment I can't do anything but stare at her. Is she really saying that Merlin was in love with me? More than that even, is she actually suggesting that he is **_still_** in love with me? It would seem so.

My heart soars even though I know it has no right to do so. Even if it is true, which is highly unlikely, I have no right to mess with Merlin now that he's happy with his life.

Is Merlin happy?

He must be, he seems pretty happy. But then, Merlin was always good at hiding the way he truly felt. I used to know when he was lying, or pretending, but it's been so long since I saw him. If there's one thing in life that I've learnt, it's that most things are not what they first appear, especially when it comes to people.

I want so badly for it to be true. At the same time I feel awful for wanting Merlin to be unhappy. It reinforces the fact for me that I am not good enough for Merlin.

But maybe….

I just don't know. I'm being torn in two different directions.

I'm pulled out of my own thoughts when Morgana asks,

"Well? Do you love him enough to fight for him?"

My jaw tightens in response and I look up at the night sky above us. This beach used to be a refuge for Merlin and me. It was our place. This beach was **_ours_**. Ace was mine. It becomes clear to me in that moment that my life will never be complete without Merlin. He is still everything to me.

I turn to meet Morgana's gaze as I answer simply,

"Yes"

...

_**Special shout out to-DarkMetalAngel of Destruction, WibblyWobblyGirl, FranceGamble-too, mersan123 and the Guest who took the time to write a review-I love you all with an intense passion, your reviews mean a lot to me, so thank you! You're best xxx**_

_**Please, please, PLEASE, let me know what you thought of this chapter. It was a long one, and loads happened. Emotions were flying everywhere ;)**_

_**Next chapter-Merlin's feelings about seeing the man he's held a torch for, for seven freakin' years. Hold onto your top hats my peoples, because it's gonna get intense.**_

_**Thanks for reading! xxx**_


	7. The admission

_**I do not own Merlin...which is upsetting for everyone I'm sure ;) xxx**_

Chapter Seven

**Merlin's P.O.V**

I thought I could handle seeing him.

I thought I could get through an entire week without feeling like my heart was going to explode with emotion.

Yeah, I thought a lot of things.

And all of them were completely fucking _**wrong**_.

I couldn't even get through _**one fucking night**_ in the same room as Arthur, and it seemed to me like he couldn't handle it either. Although I don't know why that would be. What's he so upset about?

I mean, I was the one who had my heart stomped on and my love shoved back in my face like it was worthless. Like_** I** _was worthless. I hated him for making me feel so much, and for not loving me the way I loved him.

Arthur is still so damn handsome, in fact in the last seven years he's gone from bad boy sexy to _out of this world_ **gorgeous. **With that hard stubbled jaw, ruggedly handsome face, not to mention his dark blue fathomless ocean eyes and wild golden blond hair.

I wanted to run my fingers through those silky strands the moment I saw Arthur. There is something very wrong with me.

He's even taller than last time I saw him, at least 6 foot 3, and he's broader, more muscled in general really. The military has really helped him stay in shape, and them some.

Those strong arms...God I've missed him holding me. I always felt so...protected in Arthur's embrace.

Although, he seems much less aware of his own attractiveness than he was seven years ago. Maybe the military mellowed him out a little too. Or maybe he just grew out of the stage of being an arrogant prat. But I'm only saying maybe, I'll believe it when I see it.

But, even so, his confidence shows clearly in his every movement. Arthur Pendragon is bold, brave, strong and stubborn as hell, always has been, always will be from the looks of things.

It is so unfair that he's still the only man I've ever met who, with one look, can make me want him more than my next breathe. More than anything else in the universe.

But then, if life were fair then I'd never have fallen for Arthur. If life were fair then I'd be in love with just Lance and not have any feelings for Arthur. If life were, really, really fair...then Arthur would have wanted me as much as I wanted him seven years ago.

Now it's too late, even if Arthur did...but he doesn't. Why would he? I'm no one important to him now. For all I know he might have a girlfriend that I don't know about.

I don't have any right to know either. Arthur is **_not_** mine, he never was.

The truth is though, seeing Arthur drove home one inescapable fact...I am not over him.

And I'm beginning to think I never will be. Which is just a major pain in the arse.

"Baby, what are you thinking about?" Lance asks me.

We're all on our way down to the beach, well except mine and Arthur's dad. Not long after Arthur practically sprinted out of the house, Morgana went after him. Although she didn't actually say that, she just said she needed some air.

But I know Morgana better than anyone, except possibly Mordred, and so it was obvious to me that she wanted to talk to Arthur...alone.

"Nothing" I say in response, and I give him a fleeting smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes. Lance frowns at me, but lets it go.

"How come you think they're at the beach anyway?" Gwaine asks with a raised eyebrow.

Ah, Gwaine. I have to say, I find myself liking Gwaine rather a lot, and I'm glad Arthur has someone he can depend on, especially when out on tour.

I shrug half heartedly and answer,

"No big reason...it's just that's where Arthur always went when he was...upset"

Gwaine gives me a knowing look that shows just how intelligent he really is. It becomes obvious to me that even though Gwaine may play the fool, he is actually someone you do not want to get on the wrong side of. I'm even more glad that Arthur has someone like Gwaine to watch his back.

Mordred clears his throat. He's been shifting nervously ever since he met Arthur and Gwaine. Although I'm guessing his reaction is more in response to Gwaine's obvious flirting than anything else.

Poor Mordred, he has no idea how to handle someone like Gwaine. The marine is like a dog, full off energy and life. I have no idea if his mixture of subtle and not so subtle come ons to Mordred are real or if he's just joking.

Arthur would know. But that would be an awkward question to ask.

Seven years ago I would have been able to ask Arthur anything, but I keep having to remind myself that there is no longer the same closeness and trust between us.

So many things have changed, me and Arthur have both changed, that's obvious to me even from only seeing him for less than an hour.

But then, if we're so different, and so much time has passed, why do I feel like...like nothing has changed between me and Arthur? Why does it feel so wrong not to talk to him and touch him like I used to when we were best friends?

The worst part is that Arthur probably doesn't feel even remotely the same way. I think maybe he feels guilty about hurting me, because that's just the sort of person Arthur is, but beyond that he might hold no feelings towards me at all.

That thought alone hurts like a physical pain in my stomach. The ball of nervous energy inside if me just keeps getting worse.

Maybe talking to Arthur would help...getting things out in the open between us could be good. If we clear the air then...

Then what? I'll stop being in love with a man who abandoned me because he couldn't handle his best mate being gay?

If it hasn't happened in the last seven years then why should it happen now?

I feel Lance's presence beside me like an ache battering against my heart. I am such an idiot. Lance is...he's amazing. I do not deserve him, I really don't.

Lance is so obviously the better choice in every way conceivable, and I'd be a moron to even think about choosing a man who does not want me over a man who loves me with everything he has.

But, God, it's _**Arthur**_...

Hey, looks like I'm a real life moron. Excellent.

"Do you think Arthur's ok?" Mordred asks worriedly.

Before I can reply Gwaine leans in close to Mordred and runs a hand down over his arm with a look in his dark eyes that can only be described as discreetly intimate.

Gwaine's gaze is locked with Mordred's when he says,

"Arthur can handle himself, no need to fret sweetheart"

Mordred swallows noticeably and I try to hide my snickering against Lance's shoulder.

Gwaine is gonna eat Mordred alive.

And then fall hopelessly in love with him without even realising it. People always do with Mordred. They never see it coming.

Poor bastards, the both of them are almost as screwed as I am.

Almost, but not quite.

We get down to the beach rather quickly after that and I find myself feeling surprisingly less nervous rather than more.

I even feel...excited at the prospect of talking to Arthur. I have missed simply talking to him.

Ironically we find Arthur and Morgana in the exact same place that Morgana found me seven years ago after I ran away from Arthur's harsh rejection.

Fate can be a bitch.

And unfortunately I am a big believer in fate.

Arthur's head snaps up at the sound of us walking up behind him and Morgana. His eyes fasten into mine immediately, and the intensity within those dark blue eyes almost steals all the breathe from my body.

He still affects me more than any one person should affect another, and that's not even taking into account how long it's been since we last spent time in each other's company.

Arthur appears to be breathing hard, like he's just run all the way up and down the beach.

I feel my heart soften when Arthur gives me that sexy half smile I remember from seven years ago, and I tell myself firmly to snap the fuck out of it. I cannot give in to Arthur, he's got no right to expect me to.

I should be allowed to be pissed at him.

I** am** pissed at him.

I deserved better than for him to just fuck off without even talking to me. I deserved better than him ignoring and purposely avoiding me for seven years, as I am now convinced he did actually do.

I make my voice as cool and civil as I can when I say to Arthur,

"We just came to see if you were both alright"

Arthur blinks in surprise at my tone, and he even looks a little hurt. I hate that even the thought that I've hurt Arthur makes me want to apologise and make things right. I won't let him turn this around on me. _I won't._

Lance and Mordred seem to be shifting uneasily, sensing the obvious tension between me and Arthur. I know Gwaine and Morgana must be feeling it too, but they seem pretty unbothered about it.

"I think we should head back, it's getting late" Morgana says casually as if there's nothing going on at all.

Gwaine nods in agreement and he looks at Arthur,

"Yeah, but maybe you two can stay here and catch up a little"

I'm about to protest when Morgana chimes in,

"I think that would be good, you two haven't had time to talk, and you must have a lot to say given that your dad's are getting married this week"

Me and Arthur make eye contact again and Arthur shrugs,

"We should talk Ac-uh-Merlin"

I just stand there with my mouth hanging open like the socially incapable fucker that I am.

I hope Morgana and Gwaine don't spend too much time together this week, it could be disastrous for all of us if they decide to join forces.

Before either me or Arthur can say anything else Morgana and Gwaine basically frog march Lance and Mordred away up the beach.

But not before Lance steals a kiss, his hand slides to the back of my neck and he holds me close for longer than just a goodbye kiss. When he pulls back his eyes flicker momentarily to Arthur, almost his challenge and Arthur stiffens in response, his hackles obviously rising.

Lance looks back at me and whispers loud enough for Arthur to hear,

"I love you Merlin"

I sigh against his mouth and attempt a smile. I open my mouth to say it back and...and...FUCK!

Nothing comes out, it's like there's something lodged in my throat. I can't speak.

Damn it! Why can't I say it back?

And then it hits me; Arthur. I can't say I love you back to Lance because Arthur is standing right _**there**_. He would hear me say it. And I...I don't want him to hear me say 'I love you' to another man.

What the ever living_** fuck**_ is _**wrong**_ with me?

My feelings for Arthur should feel like a betrayal to Lance, but instead my screwed up brain somehow thinks my feelings are Lance are a betrayal to Arthur.

Son of a bitch in a blanket.

What is going ON?!

I see the hurt in Lance's eyes when I finally choke out the words,

"I...I..I'll see you soon. Promise I won't be late, ok"

Woah, that was lame. Just...just awful. I am an awful person.

I blame Arthur...and myself...and first love feelings that NEVER seem to just piss _**off** _already.

Lance just nods in response and moves away from me, allowing himself to be led off the beach by my insane friends and apparently Arthur's equally insane friend.

I should go after Lance...I really should.

But it's better that I get all this sorted with Arthur now, then nothing like that will ever happen again. I'll be free, finally.

When we're alone Arthur gets up from the rock and moves towards me.

I flinch back on an instinct I didn't even know I had, and Arthur's eyes widen in obvious confusion.

I stretch my hand out as if to push against Arthur's, ridiculously broad, chest. I meet his eyes, somehow, as I say,

"Just...don't Prince"

I curse myself when I realise I used his nickname, but I don't correct it. There's no point, after tonight everything will be over between us, and we can both move on, or at least I can, I have no idea if Arthur even realises why we're talking right now.

Arthur reaches up and rubs his jaw, a clear sign that he's nervous. He always used to do that, even when we were children. It makes me equally happy and sad that I still know him well enough to understand that gesture for what it is.

Happy because I like knowing Arthur so well, and it feels like there's still a little part of us that is linked together despite the amount of years it's been.

Sad because..well, because it's still over.

I mean, I know it's been over for years, but, now, tonight, it'll really be over.

I'll finally have to let go.

Which is the right thing...it is.

But why does the right thing feel so...fucking_** bad**_.

Arthur tilts his head to the side, and frowns like he's thinking frantically for the right words to say, his voice low and strained when he says,

"I've uh...I mean...I missed you Ace-"

"Seriously" I snap almost breathlessly, "Don't"

Arthur looks hurt again and he doesn't even attempt to hide it from me. Arthur moves forward again and I take a few hasty steps back. His jaw tightens in response, our eyes are still locked,

"I missed you so God damned much Ace" he lets out a harsh breath like he's been holding in the words forever.

I nod slowly, even though inside my world has just turned on its axis for the third time today,

"I don't want to hear that Prince"

Liar, it's exactly what you want to hear. But he can't know that, it would ruin everything.

I cannot let him back in, not this time.

Arthur shakes his head and his hands clench into fists,

"You and...uh...that bloke...you're...together"

I don't know what to say.

"Yeah...we've been together for two years now"

Arthur's eyes blaze with a fire that seems to scorch my insides, I feel the very real pain when Arthur asks, with more than a little hostility in his voice,

"Do you love him?"

"You don't have a right to ask me that" I say firmly, even though I can feel my heart thumping against my ribs.

Arthur moves closer to me, and this time when I start to back away Arthur catches my arm. His grip isn't hard enough to hurt, but I can practically feel the barely restrained strength with him.

He grips my biceps, and I'm almost dramatically taken back to that moment seven years ago in Arthur's bathroom, when Arthur held me just like this. When Arthur kissed me for the first time. When my life changed forever. When I realised that _**that** _is what kissing is **meant** to feel like.

A moment so full of pure _want_ and _longing _that every other moment before and after pales in comparison.

I didn't know it was possible to feel that much, and I had forgotten over the years just how much I did actually _**feel**_ in that moment.

But now here I am seven years later and it all comes rushing back, and I begin to wonder how I ever survived without these feelings. These feelings that are both incredibly and undeniably amazing and at the same time completely terrifying.

"I know I don't have the right to expect anything from you Ace. I fucked up. I ran. I was afraid of hurting you, and I was even more afraid of hurting myself. I couldn't stand the thought of letting you down, so instead of manning up and talking to you, I ran away from...God, everything that mattered to me. I just-"

"Stop! Please, jesus, Arthur, just..._**stop**_" I choke on the last word, and just like seven years ago my eyes begin to fill with hot stinging tears.

Arthur grips my arms tighter, his own eyes filling with a deep set pain that I know spans the years of us being apart,

"But I-I need to tell you how I-"

"No!, You need to stop. None of that _**matters**_ anymore" I say, my voice coming out in a barely understandable stream of anguish.

I didn't expect this to hurt so fucking much. But it does, it really, really, does.

Staying and talking to Arthur was a horrible idea, I should have just left with Lance. Arthur was right to avoid me all those years, it's too painful to be in the same place as Arthur, to look at him and hear his voice. Especially his voice saying these things...things he shouldn't be saying.

This is not how things are meant to be going. We were meant to talk politely about our lives and then discuss why Arthur left calmly in a detached sort of way. Instead Arthur's trying to bare his fucking soul to me.

Trust Arthur to screw everything up with his unpredictable nature.

Arthur leans in closer to me and I don't have it in me to pull away,

"You can't mean that Merlin...it matters...what happened between you and me...it matters, it does to me"

I manage to get out a whispered,

"It doesn't to me"

Even I don't believe the load of crap that just came out of my mouth.

Arthur sounds broken when he whisper back,

"So you've moved on?"

"Yes" is all I can force out.

"How can you make yourself stop loving someone?" Arthur chokes on the question, in obvious pain. His eyes plead with me to answer.

But I can say anything...then I shake myself fiercely. I glare up at him,

"What is this Arthur...why are you doing this...are you making fun of me, teasing me-what?"

Arthur's eyes harden and I shiver at the look of intensity in those pools of dark ocean blue. I feel like I could drown in them for bloody hells sake.

"Do you love him Merlin?" Arthur asks again, he looks almost desperate, his grip on me now even stronger, our faces only inches apart.

"How can you ask me that?"

"Please, Ace, just answer the question. Do you love him?" Arthur's eyes are almost wild now with some deep rooted need to know the answer.

I'm now shaking uncontrollably, and I hate it. I feel so much, and it's crushing me.

I shake my head slightly, and our eyes lock again, night sky blue meeting bright as the stars silver, when I barely manage to whisper,

"Not as much as I love you"

That seems all the incentive Arthur needs to move one hand behind my neck and bring me even closer, his breathe mingles with mine. I can feel tears streaming down my face and the tense mixture off excitement and fear of rejection coming off Arthur in waves.

Arthur's other big strong hand moves to the small of my back, he pulls me against him so that our chest and groins brush, I shiver in pleasure.

Everything feels so intense and raw, my whole body feels alive, like a bolt of lightening in the storm that is Arthur Pendragon. I shake my head when Arhtur leans in,

"Don't Arthur, Don-"

"Call me Prince, Ace" Arthur whispers, but it feels like more of a command and for whatever reason I can't stop myself from responding with a gasped,

"_Prince_"

"My Ace, I want you" Arthur kisses me then, and just like the first time, everything else in the universe fades away to nothing.

There is just Merlin and Arthur.

Ace and Prince.

Just us.

And nothing else matters but the feeling of complete rightness sparking between me and him.

Me and the love of my existence kissing on Colbie beach. Our beach. It was always meant to be this way.

I love him.

I love Arthur Pendragon. And I'm gonna burn in whatever hell exists for it.

And even worse, I don't care one bit as long as I get to feel like this forever...

...

_**Special shout out to-DarkMetalAngel of Destruction, mersan123, phantomreg, naughtynati, 93 Diagon Alley and AixLaChapelle-All your reviews are AMAZING! I LOVE YOU PEOPLE. And I mean that sincerely ;) Please keep letting me know what you think, it means so much to me! xxx**_

_**Right, so, big dilemma here folks, and this time I'm gonna let you take part in the decision. The most important thing for me is that the characters always stay true to who they are, and that's what I try hard to keep doing. But, obviously, even though I felt this argument and this kiss is exactly what needed to happen, and it fits their relationship (I hope you all think so too), I would also like to know what you all think should happen next; should Merlin pull back in horror at his actions and run away from his feelings for Arthur? Or should he admit to his feelings and tell Arthur he just can't risk getting hurt again? Either will have Arthur doing all the hard work to get Merlin back, but the story could go down two completely different roads, depending on how Merlin chooses to handle this. And I'd like to know which you would all prefer, I'm putting the power in your hands my peoples, so make good use of it and let me know what you want please xxx**_

_**Thanks so much for reading! xxx**_


	8. The chance

_**I do not own Merlin...but in an alternative universe I do, so that's something xxx**_

Chapter Eight

**Merlin's P.O.V**

Reality comes slamming back into me with a vengeance and I jerk away from Arthur almost violently. He's caught off guard so shoving away from him is much easier than it would have been.

I stumble back and unleash all my anger in one glare at Arthur. The anger is very real.

How dare he kiss me. How dare he come back into my life after **_seven fucking years_** and kiss me like nothing's changed.

How dare he think he has the right to do that.

And how dare I _let him_.

I feel awful, the guilt swarms me, making me choke back a sob. I wipe away the tears on my cheeks stiffly. I can't keep on breaking apart in front of Arthur, he doesn't deserve it.

Not after all this time.

Not after what he did.

I can't lie to myself anymore though. Because the truth is I **_do_** love Arthur, I always have and I'm pretty sure I always will. And I hate myself for it. But just because I love him doesn't mean I have to forgive him. It doesn't mean I have to give in to him just like that.

He wants me **now**, well, he's too fucking late.

Because I don't _**need** _him, I may want him more than anything else on this earth, but I don't need him anymore.

_Keep telling yourself that Merlin._

Shut up inner voice, you don't get to play a part in this. I'm running the show now, so bugger off.

Arthur looks at me, shock and hurt shining in those pools of midnight blue, and I just stare back, unfazed.

I shake my head,

"Fuck you Arthur Pendragon" I snap, with all the heat I can drag up.

This won't work if I have any sympathy for him, I have to be hard and unforgiving. I have to be, otherwise I'll lose myself all over again because I'm so fucking in love with the arsehole.

Arthur frowns at me, with the same expression I remember from seven years ago. He takes a step forward, but my glare stops him. Arthur stares hard at me,

"Please, Merlin, I'm sorry for what happened-"

"FOR WHAT HAPPEND?" I shout, not holding back at all, "You mean what you fucking **_did_**! You pissing off without me to Uni didn't just **_happen_** Arthur, you chose to leave. No one forced you, so don't give me all that bullshit!"

Arthur's eyes freeze like ice and he says in a deathly quiet voice he must have gotten from the military, because he sure as hell didn't have it seven years ago,

"I did it for you"

I sputter out a laugh, because, really, you have to laugh at these things,

"Are you serious? You smashed my heart for _**me?** _Oh, well then, lets forget everything you put us both through for the last seven years and have sex, and then get married and adopt three children, and after that, we can go have a lovely chat with Aslan in freakin' Narnia! Because, you know, all those things are equally as likely to happen!"

"Alright I get it, you're pissed" Arthur snarl back at me, but he seems to force himself to calm down.

That is so infuriating! The military has ruined him for arguments with me!

"I did it for both of us Merlin, you have to believe me" Arthur pleads, although it sounds more like a demand to me.

"Why?" I ask, the question that's been burning me up for so long, "Why did you hurt me like that?"

Arthur sighs heavily and rubs a hand over his lightly stubbled jaw, damn, why does he have to look so gorgeous when I'm mad at him?

It's so unfair.

Arthur looks me in the eyes and I have to make a conscious effort not to buckle under the intensity of his gaze.

"I knew I would hurt you even worse if I stayed Merlin. I couldn't be selfish with you baby. I just wasn't good enough for you, and I think if we'd stayed together and became...intimate in that way, then you would have eventually realised how bad for you I really was"

A million realisations hit me then and my heart clenches painfully. I feel like crying for a whole different reason. Actually, I feel like yanking Arthur to me and embracing him, possibly hugging him to death and kissing him until he knows for damn sure that I would never have left him. That my love for him was, and is, stronger than anything I've ever felt in my entire life.

But I don't do those things, because it would only put me and Arthur back at square one, and I can't do that to either of us. Instead I say,

"Prince, are you saying all this was because you were scared I would leave you?"

Arthur's jaw tightens, but he gives me a stiff nod.

I move forward a few steps, but I don't touch him, I can't, I'm still too drawn to the man standing in front of me. It's bloody frustrating.

I meet his eyes as I say,

"Arthur...you need to understand one thing right now, no matter what happens between us, I would never have left you. I am not your mother. I was so in love with you, every part of you, even the bad parts that drove me mental. I am fully aware that you are not perfect Prince, and that's one of the things I loved about you. You were real, the love I felt for you was _**real**_"

Arthur's eyes widen, and his comes out choked with emotion when he says,

"Fuckin' hell Ace...I wish I'd known that then. I should have known that. I was an idiot for ever doubting you, for doubting us and what we had. I wanted you so badly Merlin, please believe that. And I...still want you, maybe even more than I did before...is it completely insane to think that you're the only person I'll ever be in love with? Because that's how it feels to me"

I'm not sure what to say at first, but the for the first time a spark of hope flares inside of me. Maybe. Just maybe...

"I don't know what's insane for either of us to think Arthur. Is it insane for me to still be in love with someone who tore me apart and ruined me in so many ways? I just don't know. I don't know if I can ever trust you Arthur. I don't know if I can trust you not to run again at the first sign of trouble" I answer truthfully, because that's all I can do.

Arthur shakes his head vehemently, eyes burning brightly now,

"I would never do that to you Merlin, not again. I'd do anything to have you back baby, you're it for me. Just tell me what to do, please, I love you **_so much_ **Ace. Let me prove it to you."

I bite my tongue on the words that want to spring out. I can't just forgive him. I need to know that he means it, otherwise I'll never trust him. I need to know that I mean enough to him that he'll fight for me. I have to know, I just do.

"This isn't old time England Arthur, and I'm not a bloody damsel you have to win over by going on some sort of quest to slay a dragon. I...only know that I love you. Everything else is still so...raw and uncertain. I'm sorry, but that's all I have to say for now"

Arthur seems to digest that with a harsh flinch, but moments later his eyes are flaring blue fire again and he says,

"But there's a chance, right? Give me one chance Merlin, that's all I'm asking for, and if I fail then...well then there's nothing more to say"

I nod slowly, unsure how to react to this,

"Let me sleep on it Arthur, ok, I need time to...work through some things"

And I really do. One of those things being Lance. Oh, Christ, what am I going to say to Lance. The guilt threatens to envelop me again, and I push it back furiously. I can't do this. I'll tell Lance the truth, it'll be his decision what he wants to do. If he wants to leave, then I won't stop him, and if he wants to stay...well I'll handle that the same way I'm handling this, with honesty.

Honesty could have saved me and Arthur all this heartache. If he's just told me the truth...but there's no point in dwelling on what could have been. It's time to allow myself to want what I want. When I came to Colbie for my father's wedding I thought I'd be moving on from Arthur...now I realise maybe I'm just moving forward altogether, and waiting for whatever happens next.

**Gwaine's P.O.V**

_**(I always thought when I started this fic that I would do a side story, and I have finally decided that I will be, with Gwaine and Mordred. Now, don't panic, this story is still central on Arthur and Merlin, but a bit of sexy/funny time with Gwaine and Mordred can't hurt, right. Plus I wanted to add their pov's on Arthur and Merlin. I might even add some other pov's as the story continues...who knows...;)**_

I stand by what I told Arthur since the moment he finally confessed to his insane story about him and his Ace. I told him he was a fucking moron for what he did. Seems like it's finally sunk in. I bloody hope so. If he wasn't my best friend and the best man I've ever known then I'd have beaten the crap out the idiot by now.

I wanted to thump him one when I saw Merlin Emrys, the object of my comrades obsession. And fuck, is that one beautiful man right there. How Arthur ever gave him up I will never understand. Those eyes of his are like stars. He belongs in a magical realm of some sort, not this boring world, jesus. He's not exactly my type, but I wouldn't say no either.

Well, I wouldn't say no if Merlin weren't the man my best mate is madly, devotedly, till the end of the love's existence in love with.

If I'm being honest, the man who had my heart thumping and my cock so damn hard that I almost fell right the fuck over from the weight of it, was Mordred. He looks and sounds exactly like the kind of man who I always want.

The kind who would never look twice at someone like me.

Yes, yes, it's the classic 'wanting what I cant have' thing. What can I say, I'm an bastard like that.

He's rich, or if not that then definitely intelligent and refined. Shy. Handsome, but not at all aware of it.

God, his voice would sound good screaming my name.

I may have a mission of my own to complete this week. Nail Mordred Le Fey.

It'll be a challenge, I have no doubt about that, which just makes it that much more exciting to me. I want him, and getting him will require all of my charm and then some. He won't give in easy.

He behaves like a virgin, but I'm sure he's not. It's that type of innocence that I find so attractive for some reason.

Probably because I'm the complete opposite of innocent. I'm drawn to all the things I'm not.

Shy, innocent, pretty and difficult. As appose to my arrogant, manwhoreish, rugged and damn easy going personality.

Like I said, I'm just kind of a bastard that way.

But at least I know who and what I am. At least I'm willing to fight for what I want, unlike _**some**_ people I could mention and poke with a not very long stick.

Arthur comes storming into my room and flops down onto my bed with a whuff of air. He has a scowl on his face, but there's a new burst of energy and light in his eyes that I can't remember ever seeing before.

Shit, did he actually get some or am I just dreaming?

"Hey, fuckwit, stop glaring at the ceiling, it didn't do anything to you" I say drolly.

Arthur rolls his eyes,

"Shut up Gwaine. I'm thinking here"

"Ohh, that doesn't sound good babe, maybe you should stop that, you might hurt yourself" I reply with a smirk that I know infuriates him.

But this time Arthur stays eerily calm, and that really does tell me something serious happened tonight. So I ask, despite myself,

"What did you do?"

Arthur turns to look at me as he answers,

"I kissed him. It was fucking amazing. Then he shouted at me about Narnia. I asked for a chance to prove how much I love him and he said needs to sleep on it"

"Hmmm, Narnia? Like as in through the wardrobe Narnia?"

"Really, that's what you take from everything I just said?"

"Fine. Did he mean sleep on it or sleep _**under**_ it?"

"WHAT?!" Arthur sits upright and stares at me intensely enough that my skin crawls.

I shrug,

"Does he need to fuck Lance to see if he likes him better than you, that's all I meant"

Arthur throws a pillow at my head,

"Arsehole. This isn't primary school Gwaine, you twit. This isn't about if Merlin likes Lance better than me, Merlin loves me, he said so..."

"Oh well if he said so-"

"And what kind of name is _**Lance**_ anyway. Who actually names their kid that?"

"Apparently Lance's parents/guardians/Dumbledore. My name's stupid too, and you haven't ever mentioned it"

Arthur nods absently and looks at me,

"Yeah, your name is stupid, I've been meaning to tell you that"

I flip him my little finger and he frowns,

"Wrong finger Gwaine"

I shake my head,

"That's just a wing babe, you ain't worth the whole bird right now"

"Wow...that was hilarious"

"About as much as you whining about your relationships problems, you know, the ones you caused by being a coward"

Arthur pokes his tongue out at me and snaps,

"Fucker"

"Oh, well, as long as we're being mature"

"I'm going to get him back" Arthur, steel in his tone.

"Good, and whilst you're doing that I'll be trying to get into his mate's boxers" I say with a firm nod.

Arthur rolls his eyes in frustration,

"Oh leave the poor man alone Gwaine. He seems nice, and Merlin cares about him, which means he must be a good person, meaning he's off limits to you"

"Hey, I can be nice" I argue.

"Yeah, fine, what time do you want to catch that flying pig and ride him all the way to the moon?"

"I could be a good person someday" I protest half indignantly.

Arthur gives me a hard look,

"And some day maybe elephants will float up into space, but until then, back off"

I cross my arms,

"Arsehole, you're such a killjoy"

"Boo hoo for you, just let this one go, there will be others I'm sure Gwaine" Arthur says without any sympathy at all.

"I hate you" I mutter with a mock pout.

"Yeah, well, life is hard, suck it up"

"I'd like to but you just banned me from doing so" I say with a smirk.

"See, it's things like that, that's why you have no friends" Arthur says.

"I got you babe" I reply in a singing voice.

Arthur groans,

"I swear to God if you start singing I will shoot you"

I then proceed to sing until Arthur storms right back out.

Ha, a gay wedding, a forbidden tryst, a rekindled romance and a love triangle...this week is gonna be one hell of a wild ride.

...

_**Right, everyone, first let me say that I'm so sorry for taking so long to post. I've actually been in hospital, because basically some twatface decided it was time for me to die and he tried to murder me via car accident. But, I'm fine now and I'm back!**_

_**I really hope you all liked this chapter.**_

_**Thanks for all the reviews on the last chapter, it means so much to me.**_

_**Let me know what you think about Merlin's reaction to the kiss, and what you think should happen between him and Lance. Also...what do you think of Gwaine's pov? **_

_**Love you all! xxx**_


	9. The truth

_**I do not own Merlin...but in an alternative universe I do, so that's something xxx**_

Chapter Nine

**Merlin's P.O.V**

I bite my lip, hard, as I linger like a freak outside mine and Lance's room.

How the hell am I going to explain to Lance what happened between me and Arthur?

I don't think I **_can_** explain it to be honest. I'm still not sure how to feel about loving Arthur, and him apparently having similar feelings for me.

On one hand I've been in love with Arthur since I was eight years old, and on the other I love Lance and all the amazing things a relationship with him offers me. Is this really I choice I have to make? It seems so unfair.

When I was with Arthur down on the beach everything else seemed to fade away, like the only thing that mattered was being with Arthur, touching him, kissing him. Arthur consumed my mind completely.

But it would be a lie to say that Lance hasn't carved a space for himself in my heart. He was the first person since Arthur who made me feel something, _really_ feel it I mean.

I can't just forget that and turn him away because Arthur is back in my life. I'm not that much of an arsehole thank you very much universe.

At the same time I cannot ignore the way I'm drawn to Arthur. He's...everything. I loved him as a boy, a teenager and now a man. No matter what, I know I'll always want Arthur Pendragon. I just didn't think I'd ever get the chance to **have him**.

I press my forehead against the door and with a deep breathe I open it and walk inside, ready to deal with a rightfully angry Lance.

My boyfriend is sat in the middle of the bed, in just jeans, with a deeply thoughtful expression on his face. Jesus, the man is sex on legs, that body drives me wild.

When I close the door behind me, Lance looks up and meets my gaze. I almost fall over at the intensity in his eyes.

He raises one dark eyebrow and says,

"I was wondering how long you'd stand outside the door"

I cringe,

"You knew I was out there, for how long?"

Lance actually smiles a little at that,

"Long enough."

I wring my hands like the twat that I am,

"Oh, right, sorry"

Lance leans forward a little, his eyes boring into mine,

"I know what you're like Merlin, you think things to death"

"I do?" I say in surprise, I though that was just Mordred.

Seeming to read my mind Lance replies,

"Only when it's important"

My breathe hitches and heat courses through my body. I'm not sure how to start.

Lance solves that problem by standing up off the bed and moving closer to me before saying,

"So, there are some things you haven't told me"

I nod slowly, my mind whirring with possible responses.

"Yes...I...didn't want to...worry you"

Ok, that sounded lame even to me.

Lance places a hand on my shoulder gently, his dark eyes still captivating mine,

"Are you willing to explain now?"

I let out a heavy gust of air,

"Yes...if you want me to"

Lance pulls me over to the bed and we both get settled. Lance never takes his eyes off my face and it makes me very self aware of the fact that I'm gonna have to tell Lance all about me and Arthur.

My boyfriend of two years takes my hand and whispers calmly,

"Tell me"

I begin from, well, the beginning,

"Arthur and I have been best friends practically since we were born. We did everything together. We played together, slept together, talked about everything and trusted each other completely. Arthur was always there for me when I needed him. He was my hero"

"You loved him" Lance says gently.

I nod absently,

"Yes, more than anything and anyone. He was everything to me"

Lance forces me to meet his eyes as he says,

"I understand Merlin, it's ok that you loved someone else"

I squeeze his hand gratefully, but the guilt still squirm in my stomach that I haven't admitted the hardest part yet.

"One night we had a party when our father's were out of town...we kissed...and...I realised I was in love with my best mate...but he didn't love me. Not like that. He left me. We haven't spoken in seven years. He didn't want me like I wanted him."

Lance frowns at that,

"Are you sure? He seemed pretty intense down at the beach Merlin. I'm not stupid, you'd have to be to miss the love between you both. I think he loves you, or at least cares about you very much"

I bite my lip for a long moment until Lance uses his thumb to smooth along my bottom lip, releasing it from my tooth's hold. He leans in close and wraps an arm around my shoulder.

I shiver at the warmth exuding from Lance and say,

"I don't know exactly how he feels now. He says he wants me. He says he loves me. But I can't trust that he means it. Not yet anyway."

Lance seems to consider that for a moment, and finally replies,

"It doesn't really matter if he loves you or not, unless **you** love **him**. Do you Merlin, do you love Arthur still?"

I look up at Lance, and in that moment I want so badly to lie, I want to tell him that of course I don't. That the only one I want is him, Lance, the most kind hearted man I have ever met in my life.

But that wouldn't solve anything, and it would be disrespectful to Lance. Lance deserves the truth. Actually he deserves a lover who isn't in love with his childhood friend, but that isn't really the point.

"Yes, I do love Arthur. I always have, and I think I always will"

"More than you love me?" Lance asks, his voice betraying some emotion now. Up to this point he sounded pretty objective about everything, but I can hear in his voice that this is hurting him.

I struggle to answer his question,

"No...it's not about that...it's...I just love you and Arthur...differently"

Which is not a lie, I do love them differently. It's not a case of me loving Arthur **more** than Lance, or choosing Arthur **over** Lance. Lance was never a replacement for Arthur, or just a stand in. I do love Lance, that isn't a lie either.

Lance seems to accept my words better than I could ever have expected him to.

"I understand Merlin, life isn't simple, and love is...more complicated than anything else"

I nod, unsure of what to say again. We lapse into silence for a while, and I lean into the comforting presence Lance provides. His large body exuding a warmth that has always made me feel safe and comfortable.

After a long pause Lance asks quietly,

"Do you want me to leave?"

I jerk in surprise. Even though I considered it a possibility that Lance would want to leave, it still hurts that I might lose him like this. I shake my head,

"I don't know Lance. I feel like I can't think straight"

In a moment of rare dark humour, Lance says,

"Well if you're trying to think '_straight_', then I think that throws both me **and** Arthur out of the running, doesn't it?"

I hit Lance playfully on his broad chest,

"Shut up...there's something else you should know"

"Don't tell me, you're secretly in love with Mordred as well" Lance teases.

I pull a face and Lance laughs.

"No, I'm not 'in love' with Mordred, he's like my brother"

Lance laughs harder,

"I am so telling Mordred that you looked physically ill at the thought of finding him attractive"

I hit Lance's chest again,

"Don't you dare, he's nervous enough as it is!"

"Oh, you mean because Gwaine keeps looking at him like he wants to fuck him against a wall every chance he gets" Lance says with a slow grin that is damn right mischievous.

I chuckle, unable to help myself,

"Gwaine might have a surprise thrown his way if he does make a move on Mordred"

"Definitely" Lance agrees.

From knowing Mordred for over seven years, I can officially say that just because Mordred seems meek and shy when he's around people, doesn't mean he's submissive when it comes to sex.

I lived with that insane fucker for years, and the walls weren't ever**_ that_** thick. Mordred would ruin Gwaine, I'm sure of it.

"What is it you need to tell me?" Lance asks, bringing me back into the present.

I wince slightly,

"Arthur kissed me"

"You kissed him back" Lance says, it was a statement, not a question.

I nod in answer anyway,

"Yeah. But I feel awful for it Lance, it was just a moment of weakness, nothing more"

Lance sighs heavily,

"You and I both know that isn't true. Kissing a man you love is never '_just_' anything"

I feel tears threaten behind my eyes, but I push the pain away in favour of looking up into Lance's face and saying,

"I'm so sorry Lance, for all of this, you deserve way better"

Lance clears his throat, and I see the strain in his movements as he cups my jaw in his hands,

"Yeah, I probably do. But I don't want anyone other than you Merls. You're everything I've ever wanted...but if you ask me to let go...if you tell me there's nothing left for me here...then I'll just have to deal with that somehow. I'll always respect your decision Merls, you know that, right?"

I squeeze my eyes shut, desperately trying to hold onto my sanity a little longer.

"I know Lancelot, I know...I don't want you to leave...but I also can't say I'll give up Arthur"

Lance smiles sadly, but there's a bit of humour in his eyes when he says,

"Then I guess this week just got a little bit more dramatic"

* * *

_**Thanks for reading my peoples, and to all those who reviewed...you are the best! xxx**_


	10. The reality

_**I do not own Merlin...but in an alternative universe I do, so that's something xxx**_

Chapter Ten

**Merlin's P.O.V**

I'm so nervous about seeing Arthur today. It's ridiculous. Arthur isn't going to do anything mental, like, declare his love for me over lunch.

He won't.

I really hope he won't.

Mostly because I think that would shove Lance over the edge. He may be acting like he's fine with everything _right now_, but I know that'll change soon enough. Lance has always been patient and caring of everyone else's feelings. He's always put others before himself, that's just how Lance is. But he's still ex-SAS special forces.

Lance has a temper, trust me on that, it just takes a lot for him to indulge in it. But, if anyone can force Lance to lose his shit, then that person is Arthur Penfreakindragon.

Considering the fact that Arthur is a fucking black ops Marine, and I only know that because Arthur's father knows the signs as he was also a high ranking Marine when he was in the military; I imagine it would be utter chaos if they ever fought physically.

They might actually kill each other.

And that would be a waste.

I'm beginning to think I should just break up with Lance completely, as we're kind of already broken up right now, and _ignore_ Arthur. If that's even possible. It would be childish, but effective.

I know I shouldn't run away from my problems, but I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of fucking uncertainty, and it's driving me mad. Why did Arthur have to come crashing back into my life **_now_?**

Why not seven years ago, six years ago, or even fucking five years ago, when I still clung onto the belief that Arthur would get in touch with me. Before I gave up on Arthur ever fully returning my feelings and my intense love for him.

I gave up that pathetic dream, but now, that dream has come back to haunt me.

Although by this point it's more like a horrid nightmare.

I just want to enjoy my father's wedding to the man he loves. But I can't, because Arthur has decided to give a flying fuck all of a sudden, and like the prat I am, I can't stop myself from realising how in love with him I still am, how in love with him I've always been.

Always.

Like I said, I'm a prat. But not as much of one as Arthur. Bloody arrogant tosser.

I can imagine so clearly what it would be like to give in to Arthur and just..._be_ with him, the way he seems to want. But he hurt me so badly...would it make me weak to forgive Arthur?

Should I give him a second chance after all these years?

I really want to, but just wanting something doesn't make it the right thing to do. That's for when you're a child or a teenager, giving into impulse and hoping it all works out in the end. I'm twenty-five years old for bloody hells sake, not a loved up teen, I need to think rationally about this. Otherwise I'll just end up hurting us both.

The crux of the problem is-

-What if Arthur changes his mind again and decides he doesn't want me after all?

I think I'd have a nervous breakdown, providing I survive the soul shattering pain a second time. I highly doubt I would. I'm delusional enough for that.

Arthur's always just...gotten to me.

Like when we were really young, it was Arthur who I ran to when I got hurt. It was Arthur who comforted me when I cried. It was Arthur who I asked for advice from about my problems, and gave advice in return when asked. It was Arthur who made me laugh even when I felt like shit. It was Arthur who defended me from those arseholes at school who bullied me for being clever. It was Arthur who didn't have to say anything at all to be there for me, he just was, and we both knew it. Because we were there for each other, no matter what.

It was Arthur who made me feel special. And _safe_. And...just..._**loved.**_

No one else has ever made me feel so much, and that can't be a coincidence, right?

Lance and I avoid eye contact as we get the local bus to go over to my dad's for lunch. He got his own room for tonight, it was the best thing for both of us really. I don't want to lead Lance on, it wouldn't be fair.

I'll never love anyone the way I love Arthur, I'm pretty certain about that. But trust...that doesn't come easy to me, and Arthur already destroyed that trust once. And that was back when I thought I could trust him completely. I'd been wrong. What if I got it wrong again?

Jesus, I wish I could stop asking myself all these sodding questions, but they just keep hitting me upside the head the more I think about Arthur and the chance of us being...of becoming...well, anything.

Even if that's just friends...in the end.

I love Arthur, it's a truth I will never escape

**Mordred's P.O.V**

The tension between Lance and Merlin is pretty obvious, and I don't know who they're trying to fool by pretending everything is normal. Probably Merlin and Arthur's dad's.

Merlin gave us the short version of what happened between him and Arthur, and then between him and Lance. It's all a big mess really, and I wish I had better advice to give my best mate right now, but I don't.

I can't imagine how hard this must be for Merlin, but by the constant conflict going on in his eyes, I'd say it's not something I would ever want to experience.

My love life has always been relatively straight forward to be honest, uncomplicated and peaceful. No harsh break ups, or unrequited love stories. I leave all that for Merlin and Morgana. Although, if you're Morgana, everyone loves you and there's no problem.

I love her, she's my step-sister and we've always had each other backs, but sometimes she doesn't half drive me mental with her meddling ways. She just doesn't seem to understand the fact that some things are _other people's_ business and should be left alone.

Poor Merlin learnt how controlling Morgana can be the hard way. I tried to warn him, it's not my fault he didn't believe me. But that's how he ended up on Good morning America when he specifically said he didn't want to do any TV interviews. Lad never stood a chance against the tornado-like creature that is my sister.

I'd have to say that my only major romantic problem was my first real boyfriend, Elyan, who I broke up with when I moved away for Uni. I hated doing it, but in the long run I felt it would be better for both of us. I suppose maybe I've played it safe with relationships since then, never getting to close or too involved.

Morgana likes to say it's because I have 'commitment issues', whatever the frik frak that means, but I'd argue that I just haven't found the right bloke to have proper relationship with yet.

Merlin taught me the most about love, he showed that I've never been in love before. I used to think I was in love with Elyan, but then I saw the way Merlin acted when he spoke about Arthur, and I realised I wasn't even close to being in love.

I thought I'd fallen in love in the last seven years a few times too, but then I saw the way Merlin looked at Arthur last night, and I realised that I've never felt even remotely like that about anyone.

I thought at least someone had been in love with _me_ before, but then I saw the way Arthur watched Merlin, and I realised no one has ever loved me like that, with so much intensity and longing that it hurts to even think about it.

I do want that kind of love; I think secretly everybody does. I wish I could bash Arthur and Merlin's heads together, and tell them how lucky they are to have found that love,_ real love_, without even having to try.

You can't force people to realise they're being prats though, they'll just have to work it out by themselves, I refuse to meddle, Morgana will do that enough for the both of us. Especially now she has a bloody partner in crime.

I don't know who Gwaine thinks he is, just because he's gorgeous and strong and annoyingly quick witted, does not mean he has the right to...to...mess with my head. He's probably just straight and looking to tease the obvious gay boy. Arsehole.

I've met plenty of Gwaine's in my life, and if this one thinks he's gonna get one over on me, then he has another thing coming.

He is unfairly gorgeous though, with those dark smouldering eyes and strong stubbled jaw, not the mention that damn Marine body...but I am not falling for it, I didn't graduate top of my physics class in University by accident. I'm clever enough to see Gwaine for what he is, and nothing the man says or does will convince me otherwise.

**Arthur's P.O.V**

For the first time in my life, I am genuinely nervous. And I hate it. Who can stand to feel like this? It's bloody awful.

"You need to stop twitching you twat, you'll trip over, hit your face on the mantle, become ugly due a surgery gone wrong, and then Merlin won't want you for a whole different reason" Gwaine drawls, amusement dripping from his tone like honey.

Wanker.

"Merlin wouldn't care if I was ugly" I snap pointlessly.

Gwaine snorts,

"Yeah, I figured. He seems like a good man, mate, what are you getting all riled up about?"

I groan in exasperation,

"I'm worried because maybe he thinks I'm not a good man. I hurt him, Gwaine, like big time hurt him, and he has no reason to trust me other than the fact that I'm asking him to"

I've been up all night thinking about it, and the more I think about everything that's happened between me and Merlin, the more certain I am that he'll tell me to fuck off and leave him alone.

Merlin has every reason to hate me, and I haven't done much to prove how sorry I really am for what I did seven years ago, and how sorry I am for not fixing this sooner. I should have gone after him years ago, maybe then this wouldn't all be so difficult.

Gwaine shakes his head and me,

"There's no point in stressing about the past Art. Eventually we all have to let things go, and if he really loves you, then he'll see how sorry you are. Although it might help if you calmed the fuck down and actually thought about what you're going to say to the love of your life, providing he does give you a second chance"

"But what if he doesn't" I practically whine. Jesus, I'm losing it if I've resorted to _whinging_.

Gwaine pierces me with a hard stare,

"Then you'll keep proving your love for him until he does. Because that's what men like us do, we fight for what he want and do everything within our power to get it"

I sigh, and nod in acknowledgement, Gwaine is right. I have to put everything on the line and never give up hope that Merlin will give us a chance. Merlin is all I've ever wanted, my life will never be complete without him.

The door bell rings, and my heart just about explodes.

This is it.

* * *

**_Thank you so much for your reviews, I love them! xxx_**

**_Sorry for taking so bloody long, I've had to work. To earn money. So I can pay for my internet. And then post this. That's how it works folks. Maybe if I stop eating food I can work less and therefore post more often...;) xxx_**


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